Akatsuki Go: On Holiday
by Shuriken to the face
Summary: It's that time of the year again: Akatsuki Annual Bonding Week! Contains Sasodei yaoi, OOCness, footnotes, adventures, and British pop culture references.
1. Chapter 1

**Akatsuki Go On Holiday**

**Disclaimer: **This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?

* * *

**Chapter 1**

The Leader held up his hands for silence. "Gentlemen, that time of the year is upon us again. It is time to decide…" the anticipation was almost palpable "…the destination for this year's Annual Akatsuki Bonding Week!"

There was a second or two of silence before the Akatsuki descended into a riot of excited chatter. The Leader held his hand up again for silence.

"…bloody waste of money…"

Kakuzu was met with the glares of his fellow criminals. "What?"

"Anyhoo, as I know you will all realise, this means that we once again have to go through the farce that is deciding on our holiday destination. After last years shambles Hidan is now disqualified from this event. So, it remains to find out where each of you wants to go on holiday before the customary anything-goes-fight-to-last-man-standing-ultimate-super-ninja-decider. First, Itachi."

The Uchiha thought for a while before answering, "I wouldn't mind going to New Zealand. I've got this map with the locations from Lord of the Rings on it. We could check them out?" This was mainly met with blank stares. Except for Kisame who had to spend a lot more time with Itachi than anyone else.

"For the love of Mike, no! I'm sick of the Bastard Lord of the Bastard Rings!" His outburst was accompanied with two aggressively shaking fists. Then he started to hyperventilate.

"Yes, well, have a minute to catch your breath Kisame and we'll get to you later. Right, Kakuzu?"

"I can get us a week in a caravan at Bognor Regis for thirty quid each." Once again with the angry glares.

"NO! And now you're disqualified!" The Leader boomed.

"Next… Deidara." The blond clapped excitedly.

"I thought we could go to Alton Towers and stay in the themed rooms, un!" This was met with a general murmur of agreement. This time with the exception of Kakuzu.

"WHAT! The themed rooms?! Do you know how much extra they cost compared to the budget rooms?! You dumb blond!"

Leader just sighed. 'Every bloody year,' he thought to himself.

Kisame recovered as the discussion got a little more heated. It was getting good now. Sasori, who wasn't on a mission so was outside of Hiruko, had stepped in front of his partner and was now shouting at Kakuzu.

"FUCK YOU, KAKUZU! FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!"

"QUIET!" Everyone turned slowly to face the Leader. "Can we please get the rest of the suggestions in _before_ this all descends into mindless violence or is that too much to ask?" This was met with a lot of embarrassed looking at the ground and foot shuffling.

"Right, Sasori?" No one knew why the Leader insisted on asking Sasori every year; his answer was always the same…

"Wherever Deidara wants to go…so Alton Towers," he sent Kakuzu an evil grin, "in the themed rooms."

"Right, erm…Kisame?" Again, why bother?

"Sea World!"

Itachi gave him a flat look, "You say that every year."

Kisame looked off into the distance with teary eyes, "I live in hope…"

"Right is that everyone? Oh, Zetsu."

"Paris."

"Okaay…that seems to be it"

The Masked Idiot started waving about frantically, "You missed me out Leader-sama!"

"No, I didn't. You were automatically disqualified for having a gay orange mask." The others snickered, in an _evil_ way. "Well I guess it's time to start the anything-goes-fight-to-last-man-standing-ultimate-super-ninja-decider. Good luck." There was a chorus of groans as the members who were not disqualified squared off.

"What's the point? It's the same every time! Team Androgynous (this was directed towards Sasori and Deidara) always win because they team up! If you just declare them the winners before this stupid fight kicks off we won't have to rebuild the parts of the Lair that were blown up!" This last sentence was directed to the Leader.

"You raise an interesting point Kisame, but I'm…not going to listen to you. FIGHT MY EVIL MINIONS, FIGHT!"

* * *

25 Minutes, 15 explosions, a mini atomic blast, and a small earthquake later… 

"We're going to Alton Towers, un!"

* * *

The author would like to point out the following: 

'Alton Towers' theme park and hotel are actual places. They and any affiliated locations or trademarks are the property of the Tussaud's Group.

Likewise, Lord of the Rings is the property of JRR Tolkien.

Sea World is the property of whoever the hell owns it.

EuroDisney belongs to the Disney Corporation.

New Zealand, Bognor Regis and Paris belong to themselves.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?

* * *

Chapter 2

The Leader stood beside the door to the Akatsuki minibus with clipboard in hand. "If you need to go to the toilet go now because I don't want to make any unnecessary stops. We're stopping at services after about two hours so if you don't go now you'll have to wait until then. I'm also reliably informed that there is a Burger King there. Kisame, we're going for a week, you can't possibly need two suitcases."

"Everything in here is essential!"

"Fine. Tobi, because Kisame has two cases I'm afraid you can't take any. Right is everybody here? Ok then, move out!"

At those words the members of the world's most feared criminal organisation pushed and shoved their way on to the cramped minibus and tried to make it to the back seats first. Itachi won because he had sidled his way on board while Leader was stressing out.

"I call back seats for myself and Kisame!" Kisame pushed his way past his colleagues, a smug grin plastered on his face.

"Next furthest back for me and Sasori no Danna!"

This arrangement suited the others quite well, as it was only those four that seemed bothered by the universal bus hierarchy. Everyone else had grown out of it.

And so Kakuzu drove the minibus on to the road and towards Alton Towers. Tobi had to sit in the cab with Leader because he was designated loser.

* * *

30 Minutes later after the initial excitement of being in a minibus had worn off… 

"I'm reeeeally bored, un!" This caused the other occupants of the bus (including Leader and Kakuzu) to snap immediately to attention and start looking frantically for something to occupy Deidara, for they all knew that Bored Deidara Large Explosions. In a confined space. A confined space running on flammable liquid. Only Sasori seemed untroubled by this potentially fatal scenario.

"Everyone relax, I came prepared," at this the Puppet Master removed a box of crayons and some paper from the dark recesses of his Akatsuki coat.

"Crayons, un!"

And all were saved.

"Hey Tobi, here, we don't like Fanta!" Kisame lobbed his can of pop towards the cab while Tobi attempted to make a wild catch for it. Instead it bounced out of his hands and bonked Kakuzu on the noggin, the shock from the blow causing the missing-nin to swerve the mini-bus violently across the lanes of the motorway before he regained control.

"YOU STUPID BASTARDS! I'M IN THE MIDDLE FUCKING LANE OF THE M6! YOU DON'T PISS ABOUT IN THE MIDDLE LANE! IT COULD HAVE ROLLED UNDER THE BRAKE PEDAL AND THEN WE WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKED! JESUS CHRIST!" Kakuzu shouted. The Leader was equally unimpressed.

"Don't make me come back there…" he warned. Barely controlled laughter was coming from the back of the bus while Zetsu and Hidan just looked at each other and shook their heads. A few minutes later the peace that had descended after Leader's warning was interrupted by the sound of sirens approaching fast. Deidara and Kisame stuck their heads out of the windows nearest to them.

"Um, Leader, I think they want us to pull over," Kisame ventured while watching the two police-ninjas in the car flashing their lights and waving for them to pull over. Deidara was waving back.

"SHIT! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU BUNCH OF DELINQUENTS!" Kakuzu was royally pissed because he already had three penalty points, the naughty man.

"Well we can't pull over, I forgot to go for a wee before we left so I need to get to the services," the Leader stated, "You will just have to try and lose them."

"Lose them?! LOSE THEM?! WE'RE ON THE FUCKING MOTORWAY IN A MINIBUS THAT DOES FIFTY MILES AN HOUR! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO LOSE THEM?!"

There was a loud explosion from behind the bus and Kakuzu caught the reflection of a fireball and all-round carnage in the wing mirror.

"We've lost them, un!" came Deidara's happy explanation of the pandemonium.

* * *

After the excitement of being involved in a police chase had passed, the rest of the trip to the services was pretty uneventful, except that Kisame and Deidara had been inspired by Tobi's lame attempt to catch a can of pop to invent a new game that was to last the entirety of the holiday, and would later involve some serious money – How Many Things Can Tobi Be Pwned By During Our Holiday. 

And thus the epic battle of Tobi vs. Stuff began, and by the time they reached the services he had been pwned by a can of Fanta, some crayons, and a paper plane.

As soon as the bus was parked in the services car park, Leader had jutsued directly to the toilets and left everyone else to fend for themselves with the order to "Be Back In No More Than Half An Hour!" It took Itachi, Kisame, Sasori and Deidara approximately 2.5 seconds to vacate the bus and bully their way to the front of the Burger King queue, where Itachi ordered a Big Mac…and got one. Hidan was ranting at Kakuzu who was stealthily breaking into the bandits and stealing the money, Zetsu was using a pay phone and speaking in French, and Tobi was buying comics. The relative harmony and peace could surely not last for long…

Leader exited the toilets while doing up his fly, "Well I feel a hell of a lot better…now?" He was met with a scene of absolute devastation. For yes, Tobi had been pwned by the M6 services.

Leader walked over to his subordinates who were crowded round a table, seemingly unaffected by the destruction around them. He decided it was best to just ignore the carnage and sat down just as Tobi got back from being pwned by Burger King.

"Tobi got a Chicken Royale!" Zetsu patted him on the head. Tobi sat down next to Deidara and unwrapped his sandwich, and saw something shiny lying on the floor, "Ohh, shiny thing! Can you hold my sandwich please, Deidara-sempai?"

"What? Oh sure." Deidara took the sandwich while Tobi 'investigated' the shiny thing. "So anyway this guy was like 'Hey, freak!' and I was like 'What did you just say – LEFTY-SAN, NO! JUNK FOOD DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU!" Alas for Tobi's sandwich it was too late, as Deidara's hand ate the blob of mayonnaise and bread that is a Chicken Royale sandwich – then promptly vomited it back up over Tobi's sandals. Yes, Tobi had just been pwned by a Chicken Royale.

* * *

Back on the bus, the leader inserted the 'Songs of Stage and Screen' CD he had just bought for £2.99 at WH Smiths. The next two hours passed in a blur of Evita, Carousel, and Phantom of the Opera. Kakuzu pulled up in the car park of Alton Towers Hall Hotel right in the middle of 'Memory' from Cats. Just as well really as everyone bar the Leader was about to top themselves. The missing-nins piled out of the bus, leaving Tobi to carry the luggage, and stood awestruck in front of the majesty that is Alton Towers Hall Hotel. 

"It's beautiful…"

"It's expensive…"

"It's gay…"

"It's blasphemous…"

"It's tacky…"

"Tobi!"

The group entered the lobby to be confronted with a gigantic statue of an elephant decked out in all the ostentatious trappings of the Empire.

"£400 per night each to stay in a bad Phileas Fogg nightmare," Kakuzu shook his head in absolute disbelief. "Thatcher's Britain."

Leader strutted (for he does) up to the reception desk.

"Good afternoon, Sir. Do you have a reservation?" the girl behind the desk asked.

"Good afternoon. Yes we have a reservation for five of the themed suites under the name Mr. A Leader."

"Ah, yes. We have given you the Imperial Suite, the Arabian Nights Suite, the Sleepover Suite, the Big Pyjama Suite, and Peter Rabbit's Burrow. If you could just sign here…and here are your keys and theme park tickets. I hope you enjoy your stay at Alton Towers." She smiled her fake smile and went back to inspecting her nails. Leader turned round to the group, sensing perhaps another round of anything-goes-fight-to-last-man-standing-ultimate-super-ninja-decider to sort out the rooming arrangements.

"I'm not staying in the fucking pyjama room or whatever the fuck it is!"

"I DEMAND the Sleepover Suite!"

"Danna and I call the Arabian Nights, un!"

"Deidara better get what he wants or I'll kick your ass!"

"Peter Rabbit!"

While the Leader would normally have sat back and enjoyed another round of anything-goes-fight-to-last-man-standing-ultimate-super-ninja-decider, it would be bad form to be kicked out of the hotel five minutes after booking in. It would also mean he had lost the bet on How Long Can We Go On Holiday Without Being Kicked Out Of The Hotel and would therefore owe Kakuzu some money. This was unacceptable.

"SILENCE! I have already decided based on a number of factors which team gets which room. Right then, I get the Imperial Suite because I am the Emperor of Akatsuki. Hidan and Kakuzu get the Big Pyjama Suite because it amuses me. Itachi and Kisame get the Sleepover Suite because Itachi wants it and I admire his hair. Sasori and Deidara get the Arabian Nights Suite and now Deidara owes me a pie. Zetsu and Tobi get the Peter Rabbit Room because it's furthest away from me. There is no room for argument, here are your keys. Tobi, get the luggage. We will meet in the bar at seven p.m." With that the Leader stalked off, coat billowing, to the Imperial Suite.

The rest of Akatsuki made their way to their rooms with Tobi struggling along behind.

* * *

In the Big Pyjama Suite… 

"There is a pissing hot air balloon in the fucking room! What the fuck is the point in that?!" Hidan was waving his arms around like a madman during his exclamation.

Kakuzu was still in the same state of disbelief he had fallen into when confronted with the elephant.

In the Arabian Nights Suite…

"It's so romantic Sasori no Danna!" Deidara was clapping his hands and jumping up and down in the manner of a psychotic dumb blond. Sasori had to admit the room impressed him though. If he had his way they wouldn't be leaving the comfort of that big canopied bed much during this holiday…

"Deidara, strip."

In the Sleepover Suite…

"Arghhh it's like we haven't even left the base!" Kisame was tearing at his hair with his eyes tight shut, keeping out the vision of pink before him.

"I demand that we have a Lord of the Rings marathon sleepover!"

In the Peter Rabbit Room…

"Nooooo! It plays on my fear of rabbit burrows and early 20th century children's literature!" Tobi was pwned.

In the Imperial Suite…

"I am the King of Evil and the Emperor of Pein, hahahah!"

* * *

The author would like to point out the following: 

1. The M6 and its associated service stations are the property of the British government and the respective companies that run them. Kakuzu is right; you _do not_ piss about on the M6.

2. Any proprietary brands of beverage or foodstuffs mentioned herein are the properties of their respective owners/manufacturers.

3. Musicals and songs mentioned are the property of their respective creators.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Kisame, Hidan and Kakuzu were the first of the group down to the bar, opting to spend the least amount of time in their respective rooms.

Kakuzu acknowledged a distraught looking Kisame when he saw the shark-man approach. "So, how was it for you?"

"It's all pink, fluffy and girly. I can hardly tell the difference between the room here and our room back at base." He called over the girl behind the bar. "Give me a treble JD on the rocks, darling."

"Where's that piss-faced partner of yours then?" Hidan enquired.

Kisame downed his drink in one.

"The twat didn't bring his hair straighteners and none of the six pairs in our suite are good enough so he's banging on Deidara and Sasori's door shouting at Blondie to lend him his GHDs."

At that moment Itachi entered the bar with a sour face and slightly wavy hair. He ordered a bottle of port.

Kisame smirked. "What's up with your face? Heard your membership of Middle-Earth Online has been suspended?"

Itachi replied with a glare, "If you must know I got sick of pounding on the door and kicked it down…to be confronted with an altogether different type of pounding."

All conversation between the group was killed by that statement.

* * *

"Hurry up, Happy Hour ends in fifteen minutes and if we don't order by then we won't get the cheap meal deals!" The state of shock Kakuzu had been in since they had arrived had worn off when he discovered that if you ordered by seven-thirty the set three course meals were £2 cheaper! "Deidara, you go and order at the bar and see if you can sweet-talk the girl into giving us free bread." 

"What? No! I've already had to charm the ugly fishwife at reception into hiring Leader-sama a Corby trouser press free of charge, and I flirted with the manager so we could have free tickets for unlimited spa treatments, un!" Deidara pouted, arms crossed. Leader patted him on the head. Sasori glared at Leader.

And then a statement was made that was to plunge the first night of the holiday into jeopardy…

"So Sasori, when we got you drunk and asked you what you saw in Dei and you said that there were some benefits to sticking around… What did you call him? Oh yes, 'That blond idiot,'… was this what you meant?" Kisame practically shouted this and laughed. Itachi elbowed him in the ribs. He had hit the JD hard…

Now to clarify this, Kisame did not mean what he just said. It was one of those statements that you make when you are slightly merry that seem awfully funny in your own head, but when you say them out loud, people just get angry. He knew that Sasori was deeply in love with his partner, it was Sasori's fault if he hadn't made Deidara so comfortable in their relationship to realise when he was joking…

It also has to be said that Kisame, Hidan and Kakuzu did indeed get Sasori drunk and questioned him about his relationship with Deidara, and Sasori, trying to sound macho like guys in the pub who are being questioned about their relationships by their mates, had indeed said those things on the understanding that Deidara would never hear them and the others wouldn't think he was some sort of pussy. (A.N. Wow that was hard to explain, but I'm guessing this has happened at least once to anyone reading this story. Happens to me all the time…)

Kisame was the only one laughing. Itachi was glaring at him, Sharingan spinning, Hidan was glancing fretfully between Sasori and Deidara, Kakuzu had his head in his hands, lamenting the rapidly approaching end of Happy Hour, Zetsu was sending Sasori disapproving looks and shaking his head, Tobi was in his own little world because Kisame had bought him six Bacardi Breezers and told him they were juice, and Leader really wished he had a cup of tea and some HobNobs while he watched the drama unfold. This was better than _Corrie…_

Meanwhile, Sasori was desperately trying to think of how he could explain himself.

"Deidara, it's not how it sounds, I didn't mean any of it! I'm so sorry!" Sasori looked at his boyfriend, his expression pleading forgiveness.

"You aren't denying it though, Sasori no Danna. Did you really talk like that about me, un?" Deidara's lip was quivering as if he was on the verge of tears.

"Dei, I'm sorry. I was just trying to sound flippant I suppose, you know like guys do when they talk about girls and stuff…" Sasori realised that this wasn't helping his case in the least when Deidara's expression rapidly changed to one of anger.

"No, Danna. I don't know how guys talk about _girls_ when they're together. But I'm _so pleased_ that you managed to make yourself sound like such a pimp at my expense! It's over, Sasori no Danna, un!" Deidara hissed venomously. He stood up and looked round the table. "If you'll all excuse me, my appetite seems to have completely vanished…" Deidara left them to go and sit at the other end of the bar, out of sight.

Sasori turned to face Kisame, looking absolutely frightening.

"WHAT THE HELL?! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!" It was evident to all that Sasori was completely distraught. Kisame just laughed nervously as Sasori put his head in his hands. "Oh God, I'm so sorry Dei. What have I done?"

The Leader looked round the table and was quite disappointed to see that the drama appeared to be over for now. "Well then, are we ready to order?"

* * *

"Who wants drinks, my round?" Kisame was _really _trying to get back in everyone's good books; he _never_ got the drinks in. As such, the others took full advantage of the opportunity to punish him by ordering the most expensive drinks. Itachi went with him under the pretext of helping, but rounded on his partner as soon as they were out of earshot. 

"You really are a bastard, aren't you? Well done, I think that's a new record; score one try to Kisame for breaking-up an established relationship on the first night of the holiday! Perhaps you should try for the conversion as well?!"

"Jeez, I'm sorry. It's not my fault Dei took it the wrong…Oh, shit…" At the other end of the bar where Deidara had stomped off to, the blond was surrounded by empty shot glasses and looked well and truly trollied. Now add to that scene the equally inebriated Keele University Men's Rugby Team, who seemed to have drunk enough sambuca to either not realise Deidara was male or just not care. They were gathered, leering, round the giggling blond.

"So, you're a ninja, yah? And are you a single ninja?" One of the men asked in a decidedly rah accent.

"I am now," Deidara giggled as he winked.

Itachi strode up to the group looking like a man with something to say.

"Deidara, what are you doing? Come back with me. Now. I'll tell Sasori!"

Deidara shot a glare at the Uchiha. "No way, Itachi. I'm having more fun over here, drowning my sorrows! Tell that prick whatever you want, he can go fuck himself!" Deidara turned giggling back to his admirers and wrapped his arms round the neck of one. "So, what's your name?"

Itachi gave one last look to the blond before marching away back to the table, leaving Kisame to carry all the drinks after all.

"Sasori!" The red-head looked up with teary eyes, "Your ex is flirting with a group of rugby players. Go and rescue him before he ends up being raped."

Sasori was instantly alert and furious. And reaching for a kunai. _And_ heading very quickly over to where Deidara had disappeared. The others looked at each other before jumping up and following, not wanting to miss what was probably going to be one hell of a slaughter…They caught up with Sasori who stood wide eyed and frozen in place at the sight of Deidara passionately kissing another man.

"Dei…HOW COULD YOU?!"

The drunken rugby player, who until moments ago had his tongue down Deidara's throat, focused his bleary-eyed gaze on Sasori.

"She's not your girlfriend anymore," he sneered. This statement instantly snapped Deidara out of his sambuca-fuelled haze.

"What? You think I'm a girl?!" Deidara was outraged and pushed the rah bastard away. The rugby player looked thoroughly disgusted with the fact he had just been snogging a man. All his posh university friends were laughing at him.

"EUGH! YOU SICK FUCKING POOFTER!"

"DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO MY BOYFRIEND LIKE THAT! OUTSIDE. NOW." Sasori was pointing at the rugby player, shaking with rage.

"You think you stand a chance with me? Isn't it past your bedtime, little boy?"

"Go on, Ed old boy! Teach the little bastard a lesson!" With that the rah bastard swaggered past Sasori, throwing a dirty look at Deidara, and went outside.

"Sasori no Danna, un, just leave it it's not worth it," Deidara looked pleadingly at his partner. Sasori drew himself up to his full height of five feet two. He looked Deidara in the eye.

"You are worth it, Dei," and Sasori followed the rugby player outside.

"Well I don't know about you lot but I'm going to watch!" Kisame stated, hurrying outside shouting "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" The rest of Akatsuki were not far behind.

"You coming, Deidara?" Zetsu asked when he noticed the blond wasn't moving. Deidara turned to face him, tears streaming down his face.

"What have I done, Zetsu? I'm such a fucking idiot…" Zetsu sighed. Deidara sounded utterly miserable. He put his arm round him.

"No you're not. You just made a stupid mistake because you wanted to hurt Sasori. We've all been there and done that, anyone who says they haven't is lying. Sasori may have said that but you and I both know that he would never mean it. He loves you. Put this episode down to experience, learn from it, and move on. If you do, your relationship will become stronger." Zetsu was stroking the blond's hair as the others, led by a smug looking Sasori, re-entered the bar.

"But I said he didn't, wanted to, left in the-ah-wha-what'll I gonna do…" Deidara was drunkenly rambling and fretfully chewing on his hair.

Sasori stopped dead in his tracks, taking in the sight of his upset boyfriend. He rushed over.

"Deidara, please listen to me. I'm so sorry; I never meant any of it. I was so stupid to be bothered about what anyone would think and I should never have said that. I don't really think that about you. I've just been a complete bastard and…"

"Da-danna…"

"…you're too good for me but I really want us to work this out, I'll do anything, I don't want to lose you because I made some stupid comment that wasn't even true…"

"Danna, un…"

"… and I love you so much, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, please…"

"Sasori no Danna?"

"What is it?"

"I think I'm going to be sick, un," Deidara had turned almost the exact same colour as Hidan's hair.

Sasori, with his reactions of a Jedi, grabbed Deidara's wrist and dragged him to the toilets.

"Well, up the wooden stairs to Bedfordshire, I think. Early start tomorrow. We will meet at eight o'clock for breakfast," Leader declared. Itachi punched Kisame awake; he had fallen asleep at the bar.

* * *

The author would like to point out the following: 

1. Jack Daniel's Old Time Old No.7 Brand Quality Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey belongs to the Jack Daniel's Distillery of Lynchburg, Tennessee, USA, although the author does own several bottles of this nectar (alas now empty).

2. Fuck knows what Middle-Earth Online is.

3. Hurrah for the Corby trouser press, and three cheers for tea-and-coffee-making-facilities!

4. Bacardi Breezer – a fizzy 'alcopop' made from fruit flavourings, water, unnecessary amounts of sugar and additives, and a small amount of Bacardi brand white rum. It is vile and drunk by amateur drinkers.

5. HobNobs – tasty oat-based biscuits. Great dunked in tea.

6. '_Corrie' _refers to the long-running hit British soap opera 'Coronation Street', made for and broadcast on ITV.

7. Keele University is an actual university in the county of Staffordshire, England. It really does have a Men's (and indeed a Women's) Rugby Team. The author has no idea if the team members are anything like they have been depicted in this work. Though at least some of them just _have_ to be.

8. The 'conversion' is a rugby term, meaning to score additional points, after scoring a try, by kicking the ball through the goalposts.

9. Jedi belong to George Lucas.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?

* * *

**Chapter 4**

The next morning everyone was up bright and early, mainly because they wanted to beat the queues and Kakuzu wouldn't give them the extra funds to pay for Unlimited Shortcut tickets.

"We could get Deidara to…" Kisame started, only to be cut off by a chorus of "NO!"

At that point a satisfied looking Sasori appeared closely followed by a thoroughly shagged looking Deidara, who still had perfect hair. Itachi of the Wavy Fringe just scowled.

"Morning, un," Deidara said cheerfully, without a trace of a hangover (bastard). The other members of Akatsuki let out the silent breath they were holding; Sasori and Deidara were back together. Leader cleared his throat…

"Well I have the theme park tickets here, you are free to explore. There are some rules though that must be observed; you must remain with your partner at all times, no going off alone – we all know what happened at EuroDisney… - also you all know the rules of Annual Missing-Nin Holiday Entitlement - they can't bother us if we don't start on them…But most important of all: Have Fun!"

The tickets were snatched from Leader's grasp and the table vacated in record time. Leader smiled, and wandered off in the direction of the spa.

* * *

With Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu and Tobi…

Kakuzu thrust his golf clubs upon Tobi. "Carry these. I hear there's a golf course." He consulted the map for a few moments before striding off.

"Well, thanks to the rule of sticking with your partner, it looks like we're playing golf," Hidan sighed, before he and Zetsu followed.

With Itachi, Kisame, Sasori and Deidara…

The lack of Unlimited Shortcut tickets had been overcome by clever utilisation of pushing-in manoeuvres and general nastiness to small children and their mothers, as the four bullied their way to the front of the queue for Ripsaw. Unfortunately they had been so busy getting to the front that they had failed to notice the ride hung passengers upside down and then sprayed them in the face with water. This was to prove a schoolboy error…

Itachi was now sulking, as his hair had dried in a very odd way. Without his usual layers of styling product and heated appliances his fringe had bent and was now curled under at one side and flicked out at the other. To add insult to injury, Deidara was completely dry and his hair remained as perfect as it had been at breakfast.

"That was fun, un!" he giggled. Itachi just glared at him.

"Bastard…"

* * *

Meanwhile, Kakuzu, Hidan, and Zetsu had arrived at the golf course. Tobi struggled up behind them, slightly breathless.

"Ha! You stupid twat! It's a fucking Crazy Golf course and you've turned up with a set of drivers!" Hidan was doubled up with laughter, gripping his sides. Even Zetsu found it all very amusing.

"I see you're a golfing man, eh?" The ninjas turned to see a middle-aged man, smiling smugly, with his son. "What's your handicap?" Kakuzu's eyes narrowed, the man had a Rolex. Rolex Rich Bastard.

"Seven."

"Really." The man's lip curled and he tilted his head back, somehow managing to look down his nose at Kakuzu. "How about a small wager, say £500, to make this all a tad more adult?" The man continued.

"You're on. Tobi, the nine-iron."

"Is that the one with the Sooty cover, Kakuzu-san?"

The Rich Bastard had managed to get within a foot of the hole on his first shot. Kakuzu considered his shot.

"Well, to be in with the best chance of getting close I need to go through those rocks while avoiding that lump, but not up the hill unless I can get it in, and definitely _not_ end up behind the lighthouse. The terrain is a combination of felt and Astro-Turf, there's a slight north-north-westerly breeze and my left leg is approximately three-eighths of an inch longer than my right. Hidan, what do you think?"

Hidan stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Fucking welly it."

* * *

Back with Itachi and co…

The Uchiha was furious. They were on the way back to their rooms to freshen up before dinner, and after a combination of Ripsaw, Air, the River Rapids, Nemesis, Rita Queen Of Speed and the Teacups his hair resembled a post-modern sculpture. Somehow, his fringe was now defying the Laws of Physics and was a vertical, back-combed, Eighties' disaster. Deidara thought it was all terribly artistic and had been pestering Itachi for about three hours to enter himself for the Turner Prize under the title 'The Impudence of Religion'. Itachi had then threatened Deidara with seventy-two hours of Brian Sewell. Deidara shut-up, but had the last laugh as he had somehow contrived to remain immaculate throughout the whole day. That seriously pissed Itachi off. He just _could not_ understand how that idiot had remained looking perfect while he looked like a tit. Unless…Itachi's eyes widened in sudden realisation.

"KAI!" The genjutsu was dispelled, revealing a Deidara that looked like he had been repeatedly dragged through a hedge backwards and then tumble-dried. The blond screamed and ran to his room, attempting to cover his hair with his hands.

"Wow, that's the first time I've seen you smile all day, 'Tachi," Kisame said to the smirking Uchiha. Suddenly, his hair didn't seem all that bad…

* * *

The Akatsuki were joined at the restaurant table by their Leader, who sported a newly fresh and glowing complexion and an unusually relaxed demeanour. Itachi had banned Kisame from drinking tonight, for fear of an encore to last night's drama.

"Are we all here?" Leader asked, looking around.

"We're waiting for bloody Sasori and Deidara," said Hidan. Luckily Kakuzu was too busy counting a huge wad of notes to once again lament missing Happy Hour. "Crazy Golf." Hidan explained, in response to the Leader's raised eyebrow. "The thing is, he actually lost."

At this point everyone's attention was distracted by some sort of commotion coming from the lobby. They craned their necks round to look.

Sasori and Deidara had apparently paused in the reception area on their way to the restaurant, and were now the subject of numerous disapproving glances and several complaints to the receptionist. It seemed the nearby parents were disgusted by the sight of a 21-year-old man publicly snogging a 13-year-old boy, and were making their feelings known or hurriedly ushering their children away.

"It's _disgusting_. Someone should call the police-ninjas! A grown man molesting a small boy?!" one self-righteous interfering old biddy shouted.

"Won't somebody think of the _children_!" Another woman had her hands over her little girl's eyes. The little girl had been enjoying the show, however, and thus a new yaoi fangirl was created.

"I'm putting a stop to this!" The old woman marched over to Deidara and poked him hard in the chest with a bony finger. "You should be ashamed of yourself!" She was totally oblivious to Deidara's expression changing from one of bewilderment to one of furious rage. He was slowly and deliberately drawing his fist back to punch the old bitch in the face. Sasori's eyes widened as he saw Deidara preparing to punch.

"No no no Dei, we can't hurt them, remember the rules of Annual Missing-Nin Holiday Entitlement?" Sasori's pleading voice snapped Deidara out of his psycho mood – he didn't want to fuck up, he knew how much his Danna needed a holiday. He lowered his fist but continued to glare at the old woman. Sasori had turned to her.

"It's really not what you think, I just look very young for my age." He rooted around in his cloak and pulled out his Bingo Book, opening it at the page he had marked that showed him and Deidara. "See? I'm actually thirty-five."

The old woman scrutinized the page, and then Sasori, then the page, then Sasori. Then she hit him with her handbag.

"You should be ashamed of yourself, doing such things with a young lad nearly half your age! He is barely out of childhood, you dirty old man!" Then she rounded on Deidara again. "And you're too young to know you swing that way! You want to go and find a nice girl your own age!" At this point Sasori was ready to throw the rules of Annual Missing-Nin Holiday Entitlement out of the window. He was already reaching for a kunai…

"Sasori! Deidara! Stop pissing about, we're hungry!" Leader shouted from the restaurant.

"But…"

"But me no buts! Get over here now!"

In fairness Leader was very hungry. This was proven when he then proceeded to pinch a chip from a nearby child's plate. A full day of spa treatments can really take it out of a man.

"_Excuse me!_ You just took some of my son's food! Who the hell do you think you are?!" The child's father was, to say the least, unamused.

Suddenly Leader leapt on to the family's table, and into what is referred to in common parlance as 'Power Stance'. "I'm the bastard in black! The wide-legged lord of destruction! Fear my arch!" He waved his hands in front of his crotch. Lack of food can do strange things to you.

The Akatsuki weren't quite sure what to do. Fortunately Deidara and Sasori reached the table just then, and Sasori had an idea. He quickly took Deidara's emergency eyeliner from his cloak and henge'd it into a bread bun, which he gave to Leader as an appetizer. Leader was pleased with this offering and climbed down from the table, returning to his own seat.

"Sasori no Danna! What if I need that?!" Deidara hissed into the redhead's ear.

"You won't," answered Sasori. "If we have an early night, that is. How about it?"

"Danna, I can't."

"Why not?"

"I promised I'd have a sleepover with Itachi in his room. We're going to watch all three Lord of the Rings and do each other's hair and nails and talk about boyfriends, un. Kisame's staying with you in our room."

"...What?"

* * *

The author would like to point out the following:

1. EuroDisney belongs to the Disney Corporation.

2. Rolex watches belong to the Rolex company, and do not necessarily mean the wearer is a rich bastard.

3. 'Sooty' is a glove-puppet bear; a popular children's TV character from the 1980's and 1990's.

4. Brian Sewell is a notorious British art critic. Hung out with Dali and whatnot. Tends to bitch about the Turner Prize entries, which is a highly prestigious British art award, held every year.

5. 'Power Stance'. Guitarists and those of the rock music fraternity will know what this is. For the rest of you, Jack Black demonstrates it in the film 'School Of Rock'.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?

**Chapter 5**

When dinner had finally passed by with little incident (except Tobi being pwned by garlic bread) Leader went off to enjoy a large brandy and a film in his room. Hidan, Kakuzu, Kisame, Zetsu and by default Tobi went off to the bar again. As Itachi and Deidara made to go up to Itachi's room, Sasori grabbed Deidara's arm.

"Dei-kun? What did you mean when you said you were going to talk about boyfriends with Itachi? What are you going to say about me? Is this about last night?"

"No, Sasori no Danna! It's fine, un. I only meant talk about things like that in general. You know I'd never tell people personal things about us, un." Deidara tried to reassure Sasori that he wasn't planning on bitching about him behind his back.

"Well as long as you're alright. But I'm going to miss you tonight. Can't you have a sleepover but then come and sleep in your own bed with me?"

"It's not a sleepover then, Danna! You can live without me for one night, un." Deidara laughed. "I love you, un. Night night." He kissed Sasori, who tried to turn it into something more so that Deidara wouldn't want to go and spend all night with Itachi after all. Unfortunately it didn't work. Sasori tried not to show his disappointment.

"I love you too Deidara. Have fun tonight. I'll see you in the morning to get dressed?"

"Yeah, Danna, un!" Deidara waved back and ran to catch up with Itachi.

Sasori decided he might as well go for a couple of drinks with the others, but then get an early night. Instead of having an early night, however, he naturally ended up trying to listen through the door of the Sleepover Suite to find out what Deidara and Itachi were doing. After eavesdropping for half an hour on a conversation about the merits and flaws of different nail polish brands, Sasori decided there wasn't anything worth worrying about and went into his own room.

* * *

Sasori was rudely disturbed by a horrible banging noise. He squinted at the clock; after four a.m. _'What in hell…'_

"Oi, Sasori! Le' me in!" Kisame slurred through the door.

It all came flooding back then. Sasori got up to answer the door. "What do you think you're doing, raising such a racket at this hour of the morning?"

"Well you forgot to give me a key didn't you?" replied Kisame. "And I forgot I was supposed to be sleeping in here and went into my room first, and had to see Blondie and fucking Aragorn on the dancefloor doing the Time Warp." He collapsed on the bed, apparently falling asleep straight away.

Sasori got back into bed, with his feet where Kisame's head was. Yes, he didn't sleep, but he still liked to lie in bed at night to rest and put his thoughts in order.

No matter what he did Sasori could not escape the stench of feet, and Kisame was taking up all of the room. Sasori shoved him back on to his own side. A few moments later Kisame rolled back.

Sasori scowled, even though no one could see, until the perfect solution came to him. He shoved Kisame back to his side of the bed and began constructing a barrier of pillows to keep him there. Kisame abruptly woke up. "What are you doing?"

"I'm making a wall of pillows to keep you on your own side," Sasori informed him, fitting the last pillow into place. He glanced about the room, and quickly spotted what he was looking for, getting up and fetching it over to the bed.

"There," Sasori said, sprinkling the contents of Deidara's unwanted packet of crisps along the top of his barrier. "Now even if you roll over the pillows, I'll hear you!"

Kisame looked at him for a second, slightly unfocused. "For a gay man you can be really homophobic sometimes," he said, before rolling over and beginning to snore loudly.

* * *

Kisame woke up surprisingly early the next morning, considering the state he had been in the previous night, and very dehydrated. He crossed the hall to the Sleepover Suite, and gently opened the door, thinking Itachi and Deidara were likely to still be asleep since they had still been up when he had returned from the bar.

They were asleep, curled up together on a pile of cushions and beanbags like a couple of puppies.

'_Aww…'_ thought Kisame. They looked so sweet! He beckoned Sasori to come and look.

Deidara yawned and opened his eyes. Sasori thought he was just too adorable. He crossed the room and scooped the blond up to a standing position, holding him. "Want to come back to bed?"

His boyfriend nodded sleepily and rested his head on his Danna's shoulder. Sasori walked Deidara back across to their room.

"Are you coming down for breakfast?" Kisame called.

"No. We'll get room service. See you all at dinner." Sasori answered him, as Deidara smiled and nuzzled his partner's neck at the suggestion of breakfast in bed.

"Room service? Kakuzu will go crackers!" Kisame threw up his hands in despair and shut his door behind him.

Once Sasori and Deidara were back inside their room, Sasori realized there was a slight problem. He hadn't properly thought through his plan the night before, and now the bed was full of crisps. Sighing, Sasori stripped all the covers off and shook out the quilt so they could still use the bed.

"Danna?" Deidara called softly. He was half-sitting, half-lying on a floor cushion. "I missed you last night, un."

* * *

That day was largely uneventful. Sasori and Deidara were not seen at dinner either, still locked in their room having 'couple time' with a room service menu and a Do Not Disturb sign. After demolishing an enormous full English breakfast with five rounds of toast and seventeen cups of tea Kisame had spent most of the day in his room recuperating from his hangover with Peter Kay DVD's. When Itachi woke up he went to spend the day in the spa. Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu and Tobi were joined by Leader and they all went to the theme park rides, where Tobi miraculously managed to avoid being pwned by anything for a whole three hours (his record was broken when he encountered the children's go-kart track).

Later, the Akatsuki all met to watch the hotel cabaret show. Zetsu went to get the first round in, because having a giant spiny plant on your shoulders really helps when trying to get served at the bar.

Just as he returned with their drinks, the lights dimmed and the show began.

"What the fuck is this bollocks?" said Hidan, as an overly clean-cut pirate pranced about the stage in front of a painted backdrop of some generic 18th Century galleon.

The others were unable to answer. A woman had now come on stage in an ill-fitting dress and far too much makeup. She and the pirate were engaging in a dialogue full of cheesy jokes, and bad innuendo for the mums and dads.

In truth the performers weren't terribly awful, but the show wasn't quite to the missing-nins' taste. As a result they all began to drink faster, except Kakuzu who took out a copy of the Financial Times. It was the first chance he'd had to read it all day.

Deidara started talking with Kisame, Itachi and Hidan, leaning against Sasori (he was still in a very cuddly mood). The redhead played with the blond's hair and occasionally joined in with the conversation. Zetsu and Leader began their own conversation, and Tobi had gone to sit on the floor at the front with the children to watch the show. Several parents saw the fully-grown man sitting with their children but thankfully, partly because of his odd clothing, they just thought he had some sort of learning disability.

All the children began to shout as the villain appeared on stage. Finally the heroine noticed him too, and the actress gave an over-exaggerated gasp. Oddly, so did Kakuzu.

"Hidan!" he hissed, interrupting the discussion about birds. "Lend me your phone! I need to call my broker!" Hidan tried to argue, but under the very real and present threat of decapitation he handed his mobile phone over. Having a separate head and body was no fun even for him.

Kakuzu had his own phone, of course, but he only used it for receiving calls to save money. He punched in a number from memory and began to speak very quickly.

"Last time I saw my brother his hair looked like a bird's arse," commented Itachi, turning the conversation to hair and the ridiculous fashions of teenagers.

"The youth of today, un. They haven't got a clue, have they?" Deidara agreed, conveniently forgetting he wasn't long out of his teens, and could technically still be called youth himself.

Meanwhile, Leader and Zetsu were on the topic of houseplants. Leader wanted advice on his spider plant.

"It's gone a funny yellow colour, I don't understand it. It's not drying up."

"Maybe you're watering it too much? **Or it's nauseous from having to look at you all day. **Now that was uncalled for. Sorry, Leader-sama."

And so the conversations continued peacefully. They did get rather loud as more alcoholic beverages were consumed, but happily the people at the neighbouring tables felt far too embarrassed and English to say anything. At the end of the show an overexcited Tobi bounded back to the table to find the rest of Akatsuki were fairly merry by now, and had decided it was Tobi's round.

"So that's a brandy for Leader-sama, beer and a whisky chaser for Kisame, Itachi wants what?"

"Port."

"Port, Zetsu's strawberry daiquiri, Deidara's absinthe, Sasori's G&T and I'll have a large red wine," instructed Hidan. "Kakuzu, what are you cocking drinking? It's Tobi's round!"

"SELL! SELL! SELL!" screamed Kakuzu. "Slippery Nipple." He immediately turned back to his dealing conversation.

"Right, you got that Tobi? Don't fuck up," and with that parting statement, Tobi was dispatched on a mission to the bar…where he was promptly asked for I.D.

* * *

The author would like to point out the following:

Peter Kay - British stand-up comedian, and writer and star of several comic television series. Funny guy.

The Financial Times is a respected newspaper dealing with stock markets and such.

A Slippery Nipple is an extremely potent cocktail, served as a shot.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?

**Chapter 6**

"Just look at that girl over there, she must be what, 16? Absolutely no sense of style. If I looked like that when I was that age I would have vomited on myself," Deidara commented to Itachi, pointing at a group of chav teenagers crowded round a table. Itachi shook his head.

"It's sad, it really is. I pity them. You're so right though; if I had been born without a sense of style I would have killed myself. I only let Sasuke live because I thought he had a flair for interior design and _now_ look what's happened! Hair like a duck's arse and fashion tips from Orochimaru. Should have killed him along with the others. _That'll _teach them for dressing me in a polyester-cotton mix," Itachi replied. "Don't look now, but that stupid bint and her friends are looking over. _I said don't look!!!_"

The girls were indeed looking over and giggling at the group. And now for a short description: their hair was caked in so much styling product it had the shiny appearance of plastic while also looking like it hadn't been washed for several weeks; their faces were covered in cheap, badly applied makeup that had been layered on literally centimetres thick; the amount of orange fake tan was nauseating; their eyebrows had been shaved off and then drawn back on in pencil; and the skinny runts were wearing clothes that would make a docker blush. In summary, they were a right bunch of skanks. Imagine if they made a teenage crack-whore version of Barbie and you get the picture. They also seemed to have taken an interest in Sasori. Indeed, there was much giggling, whispering and sidelong glances.

Tobi popped up in front of the table with a tray of drinks balanced on each palm. He then made one of the most serious faux pas one could imagine in such a situation…

"Here's your bottle of port, Itachi-san. Was Tobi a Good Boy?" Tobi attempted to pass the bottle to Itachi. Who was directly to his _right!_

"TOBI! NO! TO THE LEFT! _TO THE LEFT!" _

In his panic to set things right, Tobi screamed and jumped to the left. Straight in to Deidara, who was in the process of setting his absinthe on fire. The drink was upended, creating a fiery river along the length of the table. Then Hidan's coat caught alight. Sasori just sighed at the waste of G&T as he poured his drink over Hidan, putting out the fire. He then went to the bar to get replacement drinks for himself and Deidara. At the same time one of the chav girls got up and sauntered, swaying her hips in a revolting way, behind Sasori to the bar…

"I'll have a G&T and an absinthe with a spoon and sugar please," he said with his sexy voice and blank expression to the blushing barmaid. The chav bint came to stand next to him. _Very_ close.

"Hey, my friend over there," she pointed to the leader of the girls, "finks ya proper fit like and she wants to know if ya wanna get off wiv her?" She twirled some of her hair round her finger as she tried to look provocative. Sasori turned to look at her and blinked.

"I'm sorry, were you talking to me?"

"Yeah, yeah I was. D'ya know how fit you is?" she enquired, giving the puppet master a coy look. Sasori turned back to the barmaid and paid her before picking up the drinks.

"Tell your friend I'm not interested," He said as he walked past her and back to the table. He didn't see her narrow her eyes at him.

"Here you go, babe," Sasori handed Deidara his drink and bent down to kiss the blond, a move that didn't go unnoticed to the group of chav girls, who promptly shot Deidara dirty looks and started whispering to each other.

As 9 o'clock approached, the families with children under 16 were promptly kicked out of the cabaret suite, as the adults' only disco was about to start. Itachi, who hadn't taken his eyes off the group of chavs, elbowed Deidara.

"They're looking at your man."

"Bitches. Who the _hell_ do they think they are?!" the blond spat.

Itachi whispered into his ear (as far as one could whisper in a room full of people and loud music). "Right. Here's what we're going to do…whisper whisper…makeup…whisper…GHD …bitch…whisper whisper whisper…"

Deidara grinned madly. "I _like_ that, un!" Both men got up and with a quick "See you in a minute," to the rest of their group, disappeared off upstairs.

"I wonder why they're going upstairs?" mused Zetsu into his daiquiri. **"They're shagging. **Of course they aren't! Don't talk such nonsense!"

Sasori looked after Deidara's retreating form sadly. 'He's spending a lot of time with Itachi lately…'

Kisame noticed Sasori's forlorn look and came to sit down next to the puppet master.

"Ignore Audrey Jr., Dei loves you," he patted Sasori's shoulder. The red-head sighed.

"I know, it's just that I'm so afraid to lose him…" Sasori was cut off by the lead chav shouting over at him.

"Hey Red, now that bimbo's gone how about I show you a good time? I'll blow your fucking mind!" She laughed. Sasori's look darkened as he tried to ignore her. Most of the other patrons had turned to look at him after the chav's outburst.

"Don't listen to that ugly girl, once Dei gets back he'll have something to say if she tries anything," Kisame offered sympathetically. Sasori now had a kunai in his hand and was thinking of interesting new ways to kill annoying bitches…

"SASORI! PUT THAT AWAY! I WAS HAPPY LAST YEAR'S HOLIDAY CAME TO AN ABRUPT END, BUT I SHALL BE VEXED IF WE GET KICKED OUT OF HERE BY ANBU! KISAME DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!" Leader bellowed as he and Zetsu made their way to the dancefloor.

Meanwhile, with Itachi and Deidara in the Arabian Nights Suite…

Deidara was flinging clothes out of the wardrobe, covering the floor and bed while Itachi was getting changed in the bathroom.

"Aha! Perfect, un!" Deidara exclaimed in triumph as he gathered his chosen outfit and accessories together.

On the dancefloor…

"Come on Eileen, I swear. At this moment, you mean everything…" Leader sang along as he and Zetsu danced with a group of Konoha chuunins.

Back in the Arabian Nights Suite…

"Itachi! Hurry up, I've plugged in the GHD's and you can do your hair and make-up while I change, un!" Deidara shouted through the bathroom door over the music (they were listening and singing along to Marilyn Manson). Deidara stood back as Itachi opened the door and stepped out of the bathroom…wearing black leather trousers covered in zips and straps, a belt with a diamante I on the buckle low on his hips, a quite see-through, tight fishnet t-shirt, and a variety of leather and silver cuffs and bangles on his wrists. The outfit was completed with a pair of unfastened combat boots of the type the Akatsuki wore whenever their missions took them into wet or snowy climates. Deidara nodded in approval and wolf whistled.

"Very sexy, the GHD's are probably hot enough now if you want to get your hair done," Deidara waltzed past into the bathroom and shut the door. Itachi sat in front of the mirror and started to do his make-up, which consisted of plenty of smudged black eyeliner. He heard the lock of the bathroom door click open and turned to see Deidara…looking abso-fucking-lutely stunning.

He was wearing a fitted black pinstripe shirt that had had the sleeves ripped off with a red tie loose around his neck; tight, punky pinstripe trousers that were ripped in various places and had a matching short kilt-type skirt over the top. Like Itachi, Deidara was wearing a chunky belt with a diamante buckle, but instead of displaying a capital 'D' his spelt out 'Deidara' in fancy writing. Deidara had also gone for less practical footwear and was wearing black boots with buckles and five inch chunky soles. He had both of his hands and lower arms wrapped in red bandages.

"So what do you think?" He asked, giving Itachi a twirl, and demonstrating that if he wasn't wearing trousers with the short skirt it would barely cover his arse.

"You look…wow…different…"

"Yeah you've probably never seen me dressed like this, neither has Sasori no Danna. I only get dressed up when I go out clubbing with Kisame and Hidan," Deidara replied as he started to do his make-up; smudging red eye shadow with black eyeliner and sticking tiny silver stars at the outer corner of his right eye (he left on the scope because it looks cool). He straightened his hair again and re-tied his ponytail with long black and red ribbons.

"Ready?" Itachi smiled.

"Yeah, lets show those bitches that they can't compete with me!"

Back in the bar…

Leader and Zetsu were back from the dance floor and were waiting for another decent song to come on so they could get back up. Kakuzu was _still_ on Hidan's phone, with Hidan himself onto his third bottle of red wine. Tobi was pestering Leader to teach him the Macarena. Kisame was still trying to give Sasori relationship advice.

"When Dei comes clubbing with me and Hidan he never shuts up about you!" Kisame smiled. Sasori's head shot up at this.

"Dei goes out clubbing with you? When, where?!" Evidently Kisame had done it again.

"Well, Fridays mostly. Mondays as well sometimes. We usually go to places in Fire Country, they have the best clubbing scene," Kisame replied nervously. Leader and Itachi would kill him if it all kicked off again. Sasori closed his eyes and groaned in defeat.

"He told me he was doing long range attack training. Why would he lie to me about it?!"

"Well, maybe he thought you wouldn't approve of him going out…or something like that," the shark-man offered, while thinking 'Wow, I really do have an amazing talent for making people feel insecure about relationships.' He grinned. "I'll buy you a drink to…Oh. My. Fucking. God."

* * *

So what has made Kisame say that? Stay tuned for more Akatsuki Go: On Holiday!


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?

**Chapter 7**

Sasori looked up at Kisame to see a trickle of blood coming from his nose.

"What's up with you?" The redhead frowned. Kisame just pointed a shaky finger towards the entrance to the bar, before getting up and hurrying to the bathroom. Sasori looked over to where Kisame had pointed, eyes widening comically. He vaguely noted a few dozen of the bar's patrons (male and female) hurrying in the direction of the toilets, hands clamped over their noses.

"Dei?! I've never…I don't…what…" Sasori was officially speechless. Most of the conversation in the bar had halted as soon as Itachi and Deidara had entered. The chav girls were now glaring daggers at the pair.

"Sasori no Danna, do you think I look pretty?" Deidara twirled for his audience. The redhead was still finding it hard to speak.

"You look…fuck…"

Deidara giggled, "Not now Danna, later!" Just as Sasori was about to form a coherent sentence a very familiar song started.

"_It's astounding, time is fleeting_

_Madness takes its toll."_

"Ooooh, Dei we _have_ to get up!" Itachi raced to the dance floor, grabbing Deidara on the way. Leader and Zetsu looked at each other and nodded. This was the moment they had been waiting for. Hidan drunkenly stumbled his way to the dance floor, Tobi excitedly jumping after him.

_I remember doing the Time Warp_

_Drinking those moments when  
The blackness would hit me and the void would be calling  
Let's do the time warp again...  
Let's do the time warp again_!"

They were all singing, well shouting out of tune, along to the music in the manner that has to be done whenever this song is heard in public, dancing in a big circle. Around a handbag. That didn't belong to any of them. Others had heard what song was playing and the group was now composed of two Rain kunoichi, four Leaf chuunin, three members of the Keele University Men's Rugby Team, a male stripper dressed as a sailor from the birthday function next door, two Scottish businessmen, and the guy who used to do the breakfast show on BBC Cumbria. The ever-expanding handbag circle had now taken up the whole of the dance floor. Kisame had come back from the toilets and now he and Sasori were staring open-mouthed at the sight.

_It's just a jump to the left  
And then a step to the right  
With your hands on your hips  
You bring your knees in tight  
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,  
Let's do the Time Warp again!_

Indeed, it was the sight of Deidara and Itachi expertly doing the pelvic thrust that nearly sent Kisame straight back to the toilets. Sasori just couldn't take his eyes off his boyfriend. Hidan couldn't take his eyes off Leader, but that was for an entirely different reason.

The song finished and all those who had been involved in the Time Warp Handbag Circle went and sat back down as if nothing had happened. Truly, Sasori thought, it was the strangest thing he had ever seen. The handbag had also mysteriously disappeared back to whence it came.

"I enjoyed that," Leader commented as he re-took his seat. Zetsu nodded in reply. Tobi was still bouncing around on the dance floor with Hidan, both of them trying to dance to 'Build Me Up Buttercup.' Deidara sat down next to his boyfriend, putting his head on Sasori's shoulder. Sasori just tensed at the contact. Deidara sat up, a concerned, upset look on his face.

"Danna, what's wrong, un?" He questioned.

"You lied to me, Dei. You told me you were doing long-range attack practice when really you were going out clubbing with Kisame and Hidan. Why did you lie to me?" Sasori had turned to look his boyfriend in the eye.

"Danna…un," tears were forming in Deidara's visible eye. He had tangled himself in a web of lies and now his danna had found out.

"Just tell me why. I'm not angry. Just disappointed," Deidara nearly burst into tears at the hurt feeling in Sasori's voice.

"Danna, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to keep things from you, I was just afraid that if you knew I liked going out clubbing and stuff you would think that we didn't have anything in common and would want to end it with me. I wanted you to think that I was mature and sophisticy…sophistican…un,"

"Sophisticated," Sasori helped out.

"Yeah, that. I just thought that if you knew you would think that I was just an immature brat. I wanted to be everything you wanted me to be, un," The tears were running down his face now (miraculously his eye makeup stayed put). Sasori almost melted at the sight of his boyfriend and his explanation of his secretive double-life. He held Deidara in his arms and kissed his forehead.

"You silly blond, why would you think that? I love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be. Never think that you have to try to change yourself for me," Sasori explained. "I thought that you didn't want to be with me anymore. I thought you wanted to be with Itachi…"

Deidara gave him an incredulous look, "Ew, Danna, no," he whispered so Itachi wouldn't hear his less than complimentary response. "I love you, un."

"I love you, too." They were about to kiss when suddenly…

"HEY, RED! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU YA BETTER OFF WITHOUT HE/SHE, WHATEVER 'IT' IS! ME AND ME MATE'LL GIVE YOU THE FUCKING TIME OF YA LIFE IF YA TELL BLONDIE TO FUCK OFF!"

Sasori was absolutely seething with anger now. How _dare_ they talk about his boyfriend like that?! He had that insane, manic glint in his eyes that promised a world of pain to whoever pissed him off.

"That's _it! _I don't care how much Leader wants his holiday, I'm going to trepan that slapper's cranium, scoop out her brains, mix it with blood and vanilla ice cream and feed it to her stupid cronies!" Sasori made to get up, but Deidara's hand on his arm stopped him. He looked down at the smirking blond.

"No, Danna. Me and Itachi will sort this out, un," Deidara nodded to Itachi and the two got up, strutting over to the chav table. The lead chav's smirk faltered when she noticed their ninja headbands. Deidara stood in front of the table, arms crossed over his chest. Itachi was slightly behind him, mirroring the blond.

"I would appreciate it if you stopped hassling my boyfriend, un," Deidara said as he flicked the hair out of his face. One of the more stupid chavs laughed.

"You commin ova here to start summit, like? I'll fucking knife ya!" she threatened, pulling a flick knife out of her pocket. A couple of the others followed her example. Deidara rolled his eyes as Itachi laughed.

"Are you serious? Do you know who we are?" Itachi asked.

"I don't fucking care who you are, we're the fuckin' Byker Crew!" One of the girls sneered as the rest murmured in agreement. Deidara and Itachi looked at each other. Then blinked. Then burst out laughing. The plan was working perfectly. These stupid fools actually wanted to _fight_ them!

"We're Akatsuki! S-ranked, missing-nin criminals! And you want to fight us?!" Itachi managed to say while still doubled over with laughter. This, however, only seemed to spur the chavs onwards.

"We've kicked the shit out of fuckin' ninjas before!"

At this statement Deidara elbowed Itachi and whispered quite loudly. "Yeah, pre-Academy students, un!"

"Without your fuckin' magical ninja skills you're all nowt!"

Deidara just shrugged, "Fine, we won't use any 'magical ninja skills' then," he said as he took off his scope. The chavs got up and cracked their knuckles.

"We'll fuckin' show ya…"

…And then it all kicked off in the style of a barroom free for all. There was much scratching, biting, hair pulling, screaming, and (courtesy of Deidara and Itachi) much punching and kicking. Hidan took in the sight of Deidara straddling one of the girls and pinning her down while choke-holding her into submission, as another one pulled on a handful of his hair from behind, earning a feral and enraged screech from the blond, "NO-ONE TOUCHES MY FUCKING HAIR, UN!"

"Is it wrong that I'm getting strangely turned on by this?" he wondered aloud. Everyone else turned to look at him.

The fight lasted a total of about 30 seconds before Deidara and Itachi were left standing triumphantly over the unconscious bodies.

Just then the hotel manager came hurrying over.

'_Drat. Come on Deidara, don't let us down now.'_

'_Oh well, here goes the charm offensive again, un.'_

'_He'd better not kick us out. I was enjoying this year's holiday!'_

'_He better not do anything to my Dei!'_

'_Oh, wank.'_

"Sir…s?" said the manager. "A member of staff reported to me that you had been fighting with a group of girls…"

"Allow me to explain, un," interrupted Deidara smoothly, putting on his best winning smile. "You see…"

"That won't be necessary. These girls have caused untold trouble here at our theme park this week. We had a record number of complaints from other guests about their awful behaviour. When we tried to eject them earlier in the week there was quite a ruckus and unfortunately a member of staff was stabbed, but now thanks to you gentlemen we can quietly remove them before they wake up! Now of course Alton Towers cannot be seen to condone violence, but I think a small, discreet token of our gratitude is in order. How would you and your party like an all-expenses paid VIP trip to Alton Towers next year?"

"Th…thanks, un."

"Thank you, sir," Itachi interjected. "That is very generous of you."

"Right then," said the manager, beaming and pumping Itachi's and Deidara's hands in both his own in turn. "I'll have all the details sent to your rooms before the end of your visit, which rooms are you in?" They told him. "Well thank you once again, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay here." He hurried off again.

"Well that was odd," said Kisame, as the rest of the Akatsuki made their way over. "But a free holiday! Woohoo, go Dei and Itachi!

Kakuzu, who was running up an epic phone bill for Hidan, looked up at the mention of free things. Hidan pounced.

"Kakuzu, you utter bastard. Get the fuck off my phone, you twat!"

"NO!!! I need it! The NASDAQ is going mad!"

With that mysterious statement the last song ended and the lights came on in the disco. "Well, I think that's time for bed," stated Leader, getting up. Everyone began making their way out of the room.

Sasori touched Deidara's arm. "I think I like you in those pants. Maybe when we get upstairs you can make it up to me for not telling me what you've really been doing on Friday nights," he said suggestively.

Deidara giggled. "I could give you a lapdance if you want?" he offered.

Sasori grabbed Deidara's hand and charged upstairs at top speed, knocking several people flying. It seemed he did want. As a bonus one of the people he knocked over was the interfering old woman who had disapproved of he and Deidara expressing their love. So in all Sasori's night was ending rather well.

"Ah, young love," said Zetsu indulgently. "**Bloody perverts. **I think it's quite sweet actually."

The author would like to point out the following:

Lyrics quoted are taken from 'Time Warp' by Richard O'Brien, and are used without permission.

BBC Cumbria is a local television channel for the English county of Cumbria, a subsidiary of the British Broadcasting Corporation.

The NASDAQ is the American financial market.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: **This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?

**Chapter 8 **

In the Arabian Nights suite…

Deidara had removed his awkward footwear. He led Sasori over to the couch and made him sit in the middle of it, legs spread. "Now, _no_ touching, un," he said, putting on a CD and standing just in front of the redhead.

Music with a slow, heavy beat began.

"_You let me violate you_

_You let me desecrate you…"_

Deidara began to dance, moving his hands over his body, reaching up and running them through his hair, hips swaying hypnotically in time with the beat. He reached up and pulled his hair loose. Advancing on Sasori, the blond caressed his lover's face and moved in as though to kiss him, pulling away to the side at the last second and breathing sensuously on the redhead's neck and ear.

"_Help me, I broke apart my insides_

_Help me, I got no soul to tell…"_

Deidara danced back just far enough that Sasori could get a good view. He slowly removed his tie and began to undo the buttons on his shirt, looking at his Danna seductively. Once every button was undone Deidara let the shirt drop to the floor and stood topless, caressing his torso and allowing Sasori to devour the sight. He moved forwards again and climbed onto the couch, crawling across Sasori's lap, showing off his arse in _those_ pants.

"I wanna fuck you like an animal 

_I wanna feel you from the inside_

_I wanna fuck you like an animal_

_My whole existence is flawed…"_

Deidara straddled Sasori, breathing across his skin again. He was moving just millimetres away from actually touching the redhead, stretching up so Sasori's mouth was almost on his nipple, shifting down so he could not-quite brush his lips over his Danna's neck.

Sasori was going to have to sit on his hands in a minute. The temptation to touch the incredibly sexy creature on his lap was becoming too great, but he didn't want to spoil this by giving in to it. He gripped the seat.

All the while Deidara moved slowly, sensuously. He put a finger to Sasori's mouth, and the redhead willingly took it in and sucked. Then he backed off again and stood up, hands going to his belt fastening. Sasori's eyes widened and his mouth hung open slightly as he panted with desire.

The blond undid his pants and wriggled out of them, revealing he had become aroused by Sasori's reaction. He stroked himself for his partner's benefit as the music began to reach its climax, moving his hands over his body again. Then he moved forwards, rolling his hips as he walked, and straddled Sasori's lap once more. He moved in the teasing way he had done earlier, adding stray, fleeting caresses to the redhead's face and neck and occasionally pressing his hardness into his Danna.

Finally, as the music faded, Deidara kissed Sasori on the mouth, signalling the end of the dance. Sasori responded eagerly. Bodies entwined, they fell to the floor.

At around half past two in the morning the Akatsuki were rudely awoken by the sound of an explosion. Kisame and Itachi looked out into the corridor to see what was going on. They were soon joined by Zetsu, Tobi, Hidan and Kakuzu.

"What the fuck is this shit?" asked the immortal, bleeding all over the carpet. The noise had rudely interrupted one of his rituals, so he had a right to be annoyed.

"I can't imagine," replied Zetsu.

"Where's Sasori and Deidara?" enquired Kakuzu, who had finally relinquished control of Hidan's mobile phone, if only because the markets had closed so he had to. "That noise could have woken the dead, why are they not up like we are?"

"**The lovebirds are either screwing or responsible. Probably both." **

"That's not very nice, Zetsu-san," said Tobi reproachfully.

"Sorry," the plant-man apologised to his subordinate.

Just then Zetsu was proven partially wrong by the appearance of a sheet-clad Sasori, closely followed by Deidara wearing dangerously low-riding jeans and sex hair.

"Deidara, what have you blown up this time?" said Itachi wearily.

"Nothing, un! Why do you keep saying I've blown things up? You're always going on about it, un! On and on and on about me blowing things up. Why me, un?" replied the indignant blond.

"Because you blow things up!"

"So?"

"Well this time it wasn't," Sasori defended his partner. "He was in the bath the whole time, so he couldn't have done it."

"_Thank you_, Danna, un!"

"How do you know he was in there the whole time?" Kisame had spotted a flaw in Sasori's argument.

"Because I was in there with him?"

"Oho! How convenient! And what were you doing in this supposed bath together?!" Once again Kisame had gone just too far. Kakuzu and Hidan looked simultaneously disgusted and terrified. Itachi winced. Zetsu covered Tobi's ears.

"Kisame! We have discussed this before, remember?" Itachi produced a crude but effective diagram out of nowhere. "See? Here we have the words in your mind, and here the words coming out of your mouth." He gestured at the diagram to illustrate his points. "And in between, we have THINKING."

Kisame looked a little sheepish, but was saved from risking making his situation worse by the arrival of an unusually dishevelled Leader.

"Someone has just blown up my room! I demand to know who is responsible! Deidara?!"

"IT WASN'T ME, UN!"

"We have already established Deidara is probably not to blame this time, Leader-sama," said Itachi, though he and everyone else apart from Sasori and Deidara didn't look convinced. Deidara had precedent with incidents like these. Even if the whole Akatsuki bar Hidan agreed that on last year's holiday the bomber was severely provoked.

"WELL WHO WAS IT THEN?!!" Leader was extremely riled at the interruption to his precious beauty sleep.

Suddenly the door to the Celebration Suite slammed open, squashing Tobi into the wall and hence pwning him. One of the Rain kunoichi from the Time Warp Handbag Circle (the one with the turquoise hair) stuck her head out. "What the hell's all the racket about?!" She shook the long fringe away from her right eye and peered at the Akatsuki, holding on to the door frame for support and clearly drunk.

The kunoichi was being a bit hypocritical as loud music, shouting, crashing about and raucous laughter had been heard coming from inside the suite seconds earlier, and at intervals all week.

"Erm, well actually…" Kisame was a bit intimidated by being under such close scrutiny from an apparently unstable woman who smelt of whisky. Leader had no such problems.

"Some inconsiderate person has blown up my room and…I…" he trailed off. The kunoichi was squinting at him closely.

"Pein?" she said. "Is that you?"

Leader froze, at last recognising the kunoichi. She yelled back into her room over the music. "Come here! Guess who it is?!"

Another Rain kunoichi appeared in the doorway. This one had short, spiky red hair and looked even more deranged than her friend. "What? I've broken the corkscrew! Pein! Bugger me, we haven't seen you in a while! What have you been up to?"

"How come you've never fucking told us you had relations in bloody Rain?" Hidan asked Sasori. Indeed, the resemblance between the puppet master and the redheaded kunoichi was striking.

"Because I don't! Not every person we meet who has red hair is related to me! How many more times must I say this?"

"Well there was that Gaara kid…" Deidara mused to himself.

Meanwhile Leader had rather rudely not answered the kunoichi. He seemed to be trying and failing miserably to hide behind Zetsu.

The women in question had been momentarily distracted by the tragic loss of their corkscrew. They had both tried to fix it, but this was swiftly given up as a bad job.

"It's ok, I've got an idea!" The red-haired girl vanished back into the Celebration suite, only to reappear moments later with a bottle and a katana.

"I can see this going horribly wrong…" her partner and the Akatsuki wisely ducked. The kunoichi held up the bottle and placed the sword blade along its neck. She swept the blade up in one smooth motion, slicing the top of the bottle's neck off and sending it flying into the air. At the same time, Tobi staggered out from behind the door. The severed bottle neck flew straight towards him, sharp end first. There was a sound like a dart hitting a board.

The bottle neck had stuck in Tobi's mask. He fainted, dropping like a sack of potatoes as he was pwned yet again.

Just then, the music stopped. A male voice called out from inside the kunoichis' room. "HELP!" The Akatsuki looked at each other, confused and slightly worried.

"Shut up or I'll fucking shut you up! Talk to you later, Pein." The kunoichi went back into their room, the turquoise-haired one kicking the door shut behind them. Music started up again, mingling with a yelp and a mocking cry of "Oh, sorry! Was that a nerve?!"

"Do you know those women, Leader-sama?" Zetsu enquired of Leader as he emerged from behind the plant-man.

"I've never seen them before in my life!" Leader denied. The Akatsuki didn't look convinced. "Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to see about having my room fixed." He headed for the lift. The others shrugged and went back into their rooms.

Down in reception, Leader was having a hissy fit at the poor girl on night duty.

"Do you not understand? My room has exploded! I will have satisfaction!" They're quite the demanding lot, this bunch of criminals.

"I-I'm sorry, sir…"

"Can you please at least explain to me how in hell a hotel room can just explode?! Find me a replacement room of equal or greater quality this instant. Where is your supervisor? And while we're about it I want something done about those women in the Celebration suite. Have them removed from the hotel immediately!"

"Sir, if you would please calm down…"

"Calm down?! You expect me to be _calm_ under these circumstances?! What kind of shoddy operation are you running here? I'm taking this to the courts! I'll sue the arse off this place! I'll take it to the cleaners! I'll have it shut down on Health and Safety grounds, I'll…"

Completely clueless as to how she should deal with this ranting madman of a guest, the young girl called for the night manager. She soon appeared from the back office, a fearsome forty-something battleaxe of a woman with a hairsprayed coiffure, smoker's wrinkles and too much red lipstick, some of which had spread on to her teeth.

"SIR! I can move you to another themed suite for the remainder of your stay. I will send staff up to move all your luggage for you. You will be fully reimbursed for the cost of any damage to your possessions. Once again I can only offer my deepest apologies for your inconvenience, and promise a full investigation will take place."

The wind was rather taken out of Leader's sails by that. "…as so you should," he huffed. Leader of the world's most feared S-class criminal organisation he might be, but he didn't fancy arguing with this woman.

"However, I will not remove other guests from the hotel without just cause, which you have failed to provide. Now let me see…" she tapped at the computer. "The only themed suite currently available is the Benjamin Bunny room. Will that be adequate?"

"I suppose so." Leader grudgingly accepted the offer. The night manager called for a couple of porters, and they followed Leader up to his room to collect his things and move them to the Benjamin Bunny room. Leader of course neglected to thank any of the staff for their trouble.

* * *

The author would like to point out the following:

Lyrics quoted are taken from 'Closer' by Nine Inch Nails, and are used without permission.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?

* * *

**Chapter 9**

Next morning at breakfast, Kakuzu was once again reading the Financial Times. Deidara and Sasori had been arguing about art yet again until Sasori won by stuffing a croissant into Deidara's mouth. The blond then regained his honour by spraying Sasori with crumbs when he tried to carry on speaking. Itachi was perusing the cricket scores and sipping English Breakfast Tea in a civilised, British Empire-like manner, and Kisame was reading the Daily Star whilst shovelling a fry-up into his face in an uncivilised, British bricklayer-like manner. Tobi had managed to remove the piece of broken bottle from his mask, and now sported a large bandage on his thumb for his troubles. It was giving him trouble controlling his boiled egg and soldiers, but he gallantly persevered. Leader was buttering a piece of toast and hoping Tobi would not find out that the Benjamin Bunny suite he had been moved to was connected to Peter Rabbit's Burrow where Tobi and Zetsu were staying. Zetsu had convinced Hidan to lend him his phone, a decision the immortal deeply regretted when he heard the plant-man holding his conversation in French again. At this rate it was going to be cheaper just to buy the phone company.

"So what shall we do today, un?" Deidara asked, stealing some of Hidan's bacon when he wasn't looking.

"We're going to spend the day in the waterpark." Kisame's tone and expression brooked no argument. That was that settled then.

After breakfast everyone went upstairs to collect their swimming things, arranging to meet in the lobby when they were ready. They were once more waiting for Sasori and Deidara when Kisame realised…

"I've forgotten my Speedo! Tobi, go up to me and Itachi's room and get it," the shark-man ordered. Tobi hurried off. Several minutes later he was back, minus the Speedo.

"Kisame-san! I couldn't find your Speedo, but I think Sasori-san is hurting Deidara-sempai! When I went up I could hear him moaning and screaming in pain, and I was scared so I came to get you!"

The rest of Akatsuki didn't do well in hiding their laughter. Kisame grinned as an idea formed. "Come with me, I'll help him," he said. But instead of going back upstairs with Tobi, he led the orange-masked nin around to the side of the building.

Conveniently, on the way a ladder was lying alongside the wall, half-hidden by bushes. The hotel's grounds staff had evidently left it there. Kisame hoisted it onto his shoulder and continued. Soon he stopped and counted along the windows for a while, before nodding and setting up the ladder. "Up you go Tobi. You want to know what's happening to Deidara-sempai, don't you?"

Tobi scrambled up the ladder, Kisame wandering up the wall at a leisurely pace. Hey, he might as well see what was going on for himself.

Peering through the window, Tobi gasped. "Kisame-san, why are they fighting? We should help Deidara-sempai!"

The shark-man leapt off the wall to the ground below. "They're not fighting." He ran round the corner, laughing. "And I don't think Blondie needs _any_ help," he sniggered once he was safely out of sight.

"I don't understand…" Tobi looked some more. Soon…

Deidara shrieked. _'Funny,'_ thought the puppet master. _'That didn't sound like he usually does when…'_ Something orange caught his eye.

"TOBI YOU FUCKING PERVERT!" Sasori screeched, beside himself with rage and embarrassment.

Tobi screamed in fright as Sasori came charging towards the window brandishing a kunai at him, yelling incoherent threats to do with evisceration and household cleaning products. Behind him, Deidara had whipped a sheet across to cover himself. He had partly recovered from his shock at being the victim of a masked voyeur, and although exceedingly pissed off at the interruption, he was now sitting up in the bed, visible eye gleaming with psychotic excitement at what his Danna would do to Tobi for spying on them.

However, Sasori never got the chance, for as he reached the window the ladder fell backwards away from the wall. Tobi, gripping on for dear life, plummeted to earth in slow motion as the seventy-kilo ladder fell on top of him. Luckily his landing was cushioned somewhat by a prickly bush.

Meanwhile, Kisame had returned to the group in the lobby and related the tale, with much gesturing and acting out of bits. When Sasori and Deidara made it downstairs and Tobi returned after he had clambered out of the thorn bush they were greeted by much guffawing and in the couple's case cheers and wolf-whistles. Sasori glared, Deidara at least had the decency to blush, and Tobi said "But I still don't understand…" Cue much shaking of heads and Hidan saying "Why don't you explain it to him, Dei?" then falling over laughing.

Kisame filed Tobi's cluelessness away for future reference and declared "To the waterpark!" whilst pointing dramatically in a random and wrong direction.

"But Kisame-san, your Speedo!"

"That's ok, I just realised I was wearing it all along!"

A short while later…

Itachi, Sasori and Leader were sprawled on inflatable tubes, floating slowly down the Lazy River, sipping Pimms and lemonade.

"This is the life, eh lads?" Leader commented. He overturned a small boy on a lilo as he floated past, sending the child splashing into the depths.

"Yeah…" Itachi replied with what sounded like a melancholy sigh. Leader looked over, concerned.

"Itachi? Is something bothering you?"

The Uchiha sighed again, "It's just that I feel a bit lonely…"

Leader frowned, "Lonely? We all live in the same house! You can barely go for a piss without bumping into someone!"

Itachi rolled his eyes, "No, I mean I'm _lonely_."

"Ah, I see. You're _lonely_. Well do you have your eye on anyone?" Sasori asked. Leader looked between them, clearly confused.

"I don't understand. Explain, Sasori."

"Itachi is lonely in a _sexual _sense."

You could practically see a big neon question mark hanging over Leader's head, "But you're a good looking man, Itachi. Surely men and women are throwing themselves at you!"

"Most people are scared of me because of that whole murder thing. Anyway, even if that was the case, there is someone I want. God, I haven't had any action since Deidara!"

"WHAT?! I NEVER KNEW THIS!" Sasori sat up quickly in his inflatable tube and nearly capsized.

"Relax, it was before you got your act together and finally told him how you felt. He came crying to my room one night because _you_ had called him 'a stupid blond airhead'. Anyway, it was only a one-night stand. He was too obsessed with you."

Sasori visibly relaxed, "Oh, okay then. So, who is it you fancy?"

Itachi looked around nervously before replying, "Well, it's…"

He was cut off by Deidara shouting at his loudest, "Danna! Watch me! DANNA, WATCH ME! DANNA, UN!!" Sasori rolled his eyes and looked over at the blond to see him flying about near the roof on one of his clay birds.

"YES, I'M WATCHING!" He shouted back. Deidara laughed manically as he made the bird he was on dive-bomb into Lagoon Bay, causing a massive splash and catapulting Kisame into the branches of a nearby plastic palm tree. A drenched Deidara emerged from under the water, waving frantically at Sasori.

"DID YOU SEE ME, DANNA?!"

"YES, I SAW YOU!" Sasori shook his head, "Anyway, you were saying?" he turned back to Itachi.

Itachi took a deep breath before continuing, "Yeah…I like Kisame."

* * *

Kisame climbed down from the tree to join Hidan, Deidara and Tobi in the water. The four of them made their way over to the Jacuzzi where they promptly told the people already occupying the hot tub to fuck off. They had now got round to discussing each other's first kiss. God knows how that happened.

"What about you then, Hidan?" Kisame had just finished telling them his ordinary and boring story about a Kiri girl and an Academy dance.

"Can't fucking remember, it was that fucking long ago now! I don't even know anymore whether it was a guy or a girl, actually that's pretty sad…Anyway, Deidara?"

The ex-Iwa nin looked a little uncomfortable. "Well I guess, technically…Ok, you know how kids practice kissing on their hands, un?" Kisame and Hidan nodded encouragingly. They hadn't managed to skip ahead and see where this was going to end up.

"Now I swear in the name of arse it wasn't on purpose! But, yeah…" he waved Righty-san. The hand-mouth stuck out its tongue cheekily.

"OK! Right, er…And with _another person_?" Kisame was a tad bit disturbed by this revelation. Hidan said nothing. He was too busy wondering if that counted as some sort of incest. Tobi hadn't cottoned on yet, but thankfully he didn't start asking awkward questions and cause anyone to have to spell things out to him.

Now Deidara looked even more uncomfortable. "Remember when there was that scandal about the kunoichi in Iwa who molested one of her genin team, un?"

"Yeah?"

"Fucking right, it was huge! Go on…" They were both leaning forward eagerly, sensing a good story.

"Well it was me, un!" In some ways, it was no wonder the poor lad had turned out gay.

"_Nice_," was all Hidan could say, nodding approvingly.

"You're a kunoichi and you had a genin team?" There must have been water in Tobi's ears, because nobody could be _that_ dense.

"Anyway! When you dived into the water just then. That was awesome! Did you see how high I flew into that tree? Fucking mint!" Kisame hurriedly changed the subject, "I could see the whole water park from up there! I saw Zetsu and Kakuzu at the poolside bar drinking Pina Colada, and Itachi with a face like a smacked arse floating around the Lazy River!"

Deidara suddenly giggled, "I know a secret that you don't know," he said, giving Kisame a sly look. This piqued the shark man's interest. Hidan also started paying attention, "But I'm not going to tell you what it is, un."

"You can't say shit about knowing a secret and then not fucking tell us!" Hidan is a gossip whore.

"Yeah, if you don't tell us then we'll…um…I don't know what we'll do, but it won't be nice!" Kisame threatened. Just as well for Kisame that Deidara was absolutely shit at keeping secrets.

"Okay, un," Deidara made them lean in so that he could keep his voice down, "…Itachi…is…in…love, un!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Lazy River…

Leader was drifting off slowly and uncontrollably in the opposite direction to Itachi and Sasori, as he tried to paddle himself back over before he missed the juicy gossip.

"Sasori, help! I'm caught in the current!" Leader was now stuck over one of the underwater vents. Sasori paddled over and grabbed the handle of Leader's inflatable, dragging him back over to Itachi.

"So anyhoo, what are you going to do, Itachi?" Leader asked.

"I don't know. I don't think he's interested in men even. Well you know what he's like, your typical man's man," said Itachi dejectedly.

"I'm not convinced he isn't into men…" Sasori was remembering Kisame's reaction when Deidara and Itachi had come downstairs the previous night.

"Do you think I've got a chance?" Itachi asked, hopefully.

"Hmm…I think we need the advice of an expert. DEIDARA!" Sasori shouted over in the general direction of his partner.

Spookily, Itachi and Leader both had the same thought at the same time, "Deidara's an expert?"

* * *

The author would like to point out the following:

The Daily Star is one of the most downmarket British tabloid newspapers possible.

Pimm's and lemonade is the traditional summer refreshment of the English upper classes.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: **This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?

**Chapter 10**

"DEIDARA!"

"Have to go guys, Danna needs me, un."

"NO! Wait, you have to tell us…oh piss, he's gone," Hidan was really looking forward to getting some quality gossip on the Uchiha.

"Never mind, lads. Let's go get some drinks. We'll jump Blondie later and beat it out of him," Kisame patted Hidan on the shoulder.

"Anyway, Tobi, I have a special secret for you because you're such a good boy…" Kisame said, winking at a smirking Hidan.

"A secret for Tobi? What is it Kisame-sempai?" Tobi was clapping his hands excitedly.

"Well, you know that door in your room that Leader says has a maniac with a chainsaw locked behind it? It really leads to Leader's room."

"Why would Leader tell Tobi there was a maniac locked in there when there isn't?" Tobi asked, suspiciously.

"It's a game, Tobi. And Leader has a prize for you in his room. All you have to do is go in there tonight, at about 3.30 am, and wake him up!" Kisame was barely containing his laughter now. Hidan had to pretend he was having a coughing fit.

"Really? A prize? Tobi will surprise Leader-sama tonight!"

"Good boy, Tobi. Good boy…"

* * *

Deidara slipped into the Lazy River and climbed into Sasori's lap, "You summoned me, Danna, un?" he whispered, sexily.

"We need your expertise. Itachi fancies Kisame, but we don't know if Kisame is interested," Sasori replied, as Deidara stroked his chin thoughtfully.

"Hmmm, un. Well I can tell you for a fact our blue friend isn't _uninterested_ in _men_."

This got everyone's attention. It got Sasori's attention in a bad way…

"WHAT?! How do you know that?! If he's been trying it on as well I swear to fucking God…!"

"No, he hasn't, un. We go out clubbing together, remember? To _gay bars_, un?"

"Why would you go to gay bars when you're already in a relationship, Deidara? All those men looking at you and flirting…" Sasori started muttering darkly under his breath about perverts looking at his boyfriend and how he knew what they were thinking about…

"I don't go for me, Danna! _That's what I'm trying to say, un_? Kisame. Is. GAY! And I don't flirt with anyone, just so you know. I just like the music and the cheap drinks, un!"

Itachi had perked up. "Kisame's gay? But he's into sports and…"

"You think gay men are only interested in hairstyles and clothes, un?"

"Like us?"

"This isn't about us, un!" Deidara snapped, "Look at Sasori no Danna; he hates shopping and doing his hair and stuff."

"Let's get back on topic, shall we? I've told you about tangents before, Dei," Sasori said, stopping any more comparison between himself and Kisame. "So, Kisame is gay. This is a good start."

"We need a plan of action! Deidara, you have all of the intelligence gathered so you and Sasori work on tactical operations. I'll handle logistics. Itachi, get ready to move in at the optimum moment," exclaimed Leader, getting over-excited.

Itachi wasn't so sure about this, "I'd really rather just handle it on my own when I'm ready…" He had also never thought he'd ever hear anyone say the words 'Deidara, you have all the intelligence' which was a bit unfair of him in some ways. But then again, not in others.

"Nonsense! You'll get nowhere with that attitude! Shy bairns get nowt!" Leader was determined.

* * *

By dinnertime Leader had roped Hidan, Tobi, Zetsu and a pissed off Kakuzu into helping with The Plan To Get Itachi With Kisame. Kakuzu wasn't happy about it because he didn't have time for such foolishness; he needed to keep an eye on the FTSE 100, dammit!

The first part of The Plan had come about when it was universally decided that Itachi was in need of some Dutch courage. So he and Deidara had gone off to the bar.

Deidara was on the absinthe again, and was plying Itachi with _everything. _On the other side of the bar Leader and Hidan were doing the same to Kisame. Sasori was keeping a sharp eye on Deidara, and Kakuzu and Zetsu wanted no part in any of this. Tobi had somehow got into the soft play area (that according to the signs was for ages 5-9) and was slowly sinking in the ball pit. He didn't understand his part in The Plan anyway, but no matter. He had his own plan to think about.

Unbeknownst to those involved in The Plan, Kisame had his own plan. It was a Plan to make Deidara tell him who Itachi was in love with! He was pleased when he saw them both drinking a lot. It would make things very easy. Of course, he was drinking a lot too, at Leader and Hidan's insistence, but he was sure he could handle it. Strange, how they kept buying him drinks, but he wasn't going to say no to a free beverage! Especially because he didn't want to offend either of those two.

Deidara ordered Itachi another Polish Bullet. It was his fourth. And those things are lethal. It wasn't helping The Plan that Deidara had massively overestimated Itachi's tolerance of alcohol. It also didn't help The Plan that Deidara was now downing absinthe to reach the same state of drunkenness as Itachi. Deidara, however, had a very, _very_ high alcohol tolerance what with him out clubbing every week. He was now onto his twelfth glass. And running out of matches.

"Do you wanna know something, Dei-kun? I'm jealous. I'm jealous of you. Sasori loves you and you love him and I have no-one…What's the point? Kisame will never feel that way about me…" Itachi smacked his forehead down on the bar in defeat. Deidara patted him on the back.

"Aww, don't say that, 'Tachi-kun, un!" Itachi turned his head slightly so that he could see the blond.

"I really, really, _really_ need to get laid!" Deidara patted him on the shoulder again and lit yet another absinthe shot.

"Soon, 'Tachi-kun, soon, un!" He quickly downed the green liquid and laughed manically as he slammed the glass down on the bar. "'Tachi-kun?" He looked around, realising the Uchiha was no longer there. While Deidara had been talking and drinking Itachi had tried to get up from his bar stool, tripped over it, stood up again and wobbled off to the toilet. "Ah well, let's go and see Danna, un…" He wandered off to Sasori's corner.

By pure chance Kisame saw his opportune moment arrive. "Hidan! Go go go!"

"What the fuck are you on about, knobhead?"

Unfortunately Kisame had forgotten to actually tell Hidan about his part in Kisame's Genius Plan To Make Deidara Tell Him Who Itachi Is In Love With. Intending to demand Deidara tell him who Itachi fancied, Kisame drunkenly staggered over to the corner where Deidara was now happily ensconced with his Danna, bumping into several people along the way. When he eventually got there he tried three times to form a coherent sentence, failed spectacularly each time and was then promptly told to fuck off and get some water or something by Sasori. Leader and Hidan had also massively overestimated Kisame's alcohol tolerance.

While all this was going on, the Keele University Rugby Team (remember them?) were also in the bar and drinking rowdily because the England versus France Rugby World Cup Final was on the TV screen. Just at the point when Kisame turned around a massive cheer went up as the game ended with the England team having given the garlic-munching Gallic surrender monkeys a sound thrashing to take home the trophy. On his way back from the loo Itachi got caught up in their winning celebrations.

"Swiiiing looooow, sweet chaaariii-ooo-oooot, coming for to carry me hooooooooooooome!" Itachi tunelessly sang at the top of his lungs, being hugged by two rugby players. He hadn't the foggiest what was going on, but it was all tremendous fun nonetheless.

Eventually the rugby team's euphoria died down a little and they let Itachi go. He made his way over to the group of seats where the rest of the Akatsuki had ended up, fresh Polish Bullet in hand. By this point Deidara was even more hammered than Itachi was.

Itachi set his drink down on the table, and after two attempts, managed to sit down next to Sasori. Leaning over the redhead, he poked Deidara hard on the arm and beckoned to the blond. Sasori rolled his eyes and sat back as the two proceeded to have a whispered conversation practically while sitting in his lap. Well, this was massively uninteresting. He tried to ignore Leader's attempts, who was sitting directly opposite him, to catch his attention. He would have succeeded as well if Leader hadn't started to kick him in the shins.

"WHAT?!" he scowled. Leader motioned to Itachi and mouthed, 'How's it going? Is he ready to commence with his part of The Plan?' Sasori sighed loudly and banged the back of his head on the wall a few times before answering. Loudly. Within earshot of Kisame. Just to piss Leader off.

"I DON'T KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM?" Leader shot Sasori a glare, as his loud reply had caused Kisame to look over.

"Don't push me! Not today!" He warned, before leaning over to join Itachi and Deidara's huddle.

Sasori looked round the table, trying to find someone intelligent to talk to. When it became blatantly obvious that his search was pointless, he settled for Zetsu and Kakuzu.

Meanwhile, Kisame was finally filling Hidan in on the Genius Plan To Make Deidara Tell Him Who Itachi Is In Love With. With lots of hand movements and two sock puppets he had made. He was proud of them and planned to donate them to Sasori's collection once he was finished with them. Hidan was nodding along enthusiastically.

"…so in the end he tells us everything!" Kisame finished with a final flourish of the sock puppets. Hidan was grinning like a man possessed.

"Fucking awesome plan! He would never suspect an innocent looking loaf tin!" Hidan hadn't put two and two together and realised that he already had the necessary information from when Leader roped him into The Plan. Oh no. That would have been _far_ too easy.

Kisame nodded, "Let's get Phase One underway!" They both stood up, Kisame swaying quite violently. Apparently, Phase One consisted of Going To The Bar.

Itachi was getting more confident now that he had some drink in him. Possibly too much drink, Leader was thinking. Ah well, time will tell.

"So, we organise a quick change of seating arrangements that leaves Kisame with nowhere to sit but next to Itachi. Is everybody clear on what to do? Sasori, are you listening to me?" Leader snapped to the redhead.

"No, I'm having a conversation with the wall because it's making more sense than you. Hello wall, what have you been up to today?"

"Sasori, I swear to God…Quick, they're going to the bar!" The rest of the Akatsuki went to work like a well-oiled machine, in which someone had thrown a spanner in the works. Deidara got up and zigzagged in the general direction of the bar; Sasori just sighed and then went about his task of turning Kisame and Hidan's chairs upside down. God only knows why the hell the chairs had to be upside down. Zetsu and Kakuzu shuffled up to make just enough room for Sasori to squeeze in; Leader flapped about, keeping an eye on how long Deidara was distracting Kisame and Hidan at the bar; Itachi made sure that there was enough room for one person on either side of him; and Tobi curled up under the table. Now all that was left was for Deidara to bring them back over and make sure they had to sit either side of Itachi, with Kisame wedged between the Uchiha and the wall. That is, if this was a perfect world…

* * *

The author would like to point out the following:

The FTSE 100 is the British stock market listing.

A Polish Bullet is a very potent (and delicious) cocktail, served as a long drink.

Traditionally, when the England rugby team win a match, the supporters sing the song 'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot'. It has seven verses, but most people only know the first one or two, and either as a result of this or being caused by it, that's usually as far as it gets.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: **This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?

**Chapter 11**

Once at the bar, Deidara engaged the two in mindless chit-chat. Well, what he thought was mindless chit-chat. In other words, Deidara's brain was well and truly fucked from the immense amount of absinthe he had consumed. So while he thought he was making small talk about the weather, he had actually launched in to a monologue about Descartes and the concept of personhood.

"The central theme being the idea of the body as machine…what the fuck? A loaf tin?" Hidan gave Kisame the thumbs up as the blond bent down to retrieve the tin. Only for it to transform into a small bear trap…with a firm grip on Deidara's arm (actually, it was a pretty crap plan. Poor show, Kisame).

"Haha! Yes! You can't get out of that fucker till I release you! Now, tell me who Itachi fancies and I'll let you go!" Hidan shouted triumphantly while Kisame attempted to hide what was going on from the view of the others still at the table. Leader was giving him some suspicious looks though. That may have been because he was blocking view of the scene by standing in front of it, facing Leader and the others, and holding his Akatsuki coat open like a pissed-up flasher. Turning back round he saw Deidara whispering to Hidan, who was hanging on the blond's every word. Until he saw the immortal frown and exclaim,

"Oh, piss flaps I already knew that! What a bastard waste of time!" And with that Hidan unlocked Deidara from the jaws of the bear trap and walked with the blond past Kisame to the table. He was stopped by Kisame's firm grip on his arm,

"Well? Tell me who!"

Hidan just gave him a sly look and continued on his way. Kisame sighed in defeat before following the two.

Back at the table, Sasori pulled his boyfriend into his lap and inspected Deidara's now bruising arm, all the while sending Hidan death glares. The blond remained completely oblivious to the pain, what with him being on an absinthe trip. Currently, he truly believed that there was a meat pie on the ceiling. When Kisame arrived back at the table he found his seat upside down. He still tried to sit on it until Leader grabbed hold of him and unceremoniously deposited him in the rather cramped space between Itachi and the wall. Kisame was now half sprawled on the smiling Uchiha and couldn't be bothered to move. Aha! The Plan was a success…so far, anyway. Leader took a moment to congratulate himself on an excellent piece of matchmaking before repeatedly kicking Tobi until the masked fool crawled out from under the table.

"You kicked, Leader-sama?"

"It's your round, Tobi."

* * *

Kisame was well and truly off his face now after accidentally downing Deidara's absinthe. He was still sprawled over an uncomplaining Uchiha. Itachi caught Leader's eye, who vigorously nodded. Everyone held their breath…

"Kisame, there's something I need to tell you…" Itachi started, staring directly into Kisame's eyes. He saw the shark-man's gaze cloud over for a second before he managed to focus on Itachi.

"Do you know what, Itachi-seme I mean teme…" Kisame slurred, "I don't like your face…" Itachi's eyes widened, filling with tears and he pushed the shark-man off him, running off. Kisame hit the floor with a thud and promptly fell asleep.

"SHIT! DEIDARA, GO AFTER HIM!" Leader bellowed, slamming his fist down on the table and breaking it in two.

Deidara had been clinging to Sasori, staring with frightened eyes through the window, where a scary clown was waving at him. Leader's shout brought him back to some level of sanity, "Huh? Oh, right."

After five minutes of looking, ten minutes of being distracted by an electronic games machine, two minutes of being shouted at across the room by Leader to get back on task, and a further seven minutes of looking Deidara eventually caught up with Itachi in the ladies' toilets. It would forever remain a mystery why Itachi had gone into the women's loo, or why Deidara had thought of looking for him in there, but anyway there they were. Itachi was crying in a cubicle. It _was_ unusual behaviour for the Uchiha but, to be fair, he was extremely drunk and the not-so-secret love of his life had just been quite unkind towards him.

"Itachi! Where are you, un?" called Deidara, trying to peer under cubicle doors to see if he could locate Itachi's shoes. A woman came out of one cubicle and shrieked in alarm at the presence of men in the ladies'. "Relax, darling, you've got nothing we're interested in, un."

A sniffle came from a nearby cubicle, and Deidara banged on the door. "Itachi? Let me in, un!" The door unlocked and Deidara squeezed into the tiny cubicle. The tear-streaked face of a distraught Itachi looked up at him.

"Kisame hates me!"

"No he doesn't, un," Deidara soothed.

"He does! Didn't you hear what he just said! He said he doesn't like my face! There's no way I have a chance with him. The whole Plan was a stupid idea and I should never have gone along with it. I'm going to be alone forever now. I might as well give up on men altogether and just get a cat!"

"Leader doesn't allow pets…No, Itachi! All is not lost, un! Didn't you hear his Freudian slip?!"

Itachi took a moment out of his depression to look puzzled, "What's that?"

Now Deidara also looked puzzled, "I don't know." Then confusion turned to inspiration, "Let's ask Sasori no Danna, un! He'll know!"

"You go. I don't want to see everyone again yet," Itachi pulled out some more toilet paper and wiped his eyes and nose.

"Ok! Wash your face or something, I'll ask Danna and come back as quick as I can, un!" Deidara ran off back to the Akatsuki table.

Sasori had got into quite an interesting conversation with Kakuzu and Zetsu, about the Chelsea Flower Show, when Deidara ran up to him all excited about something,

"Danna! Danna, un!"

"What is it?"

"What's a Freudian slip, un?"

"Why in the name of my Great Aunt Muriel's cardigan do you want to know that now?"

"Just tell me! It's important, un!"

"It is when an individual means to say one thing but mistakenly says something else. What they accidentally say reveals their subconscious thoughts. It was named after Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis who pioneered the idea."

"Ok!" Deidara rushed off again, only to return a second later, "What did you say, un?"

"When Kisame said Itachi-seme by mistake instead of Itachi-teme, it means that secretly he thinks of Itachi like that! Even if he doesn't know it himself yet,"

The blond ran off again.

"Itachi! Itachi! It means he meant to say by mistake…er, hang on, un," Deidara attempted to calm himself, "When Kisame said Itachi-seme by mistake it means he secretly thinks of you like that, but he doesn't know he does, un!" Deidara finished triumphantly. Itachi looked up with hope-filled eyes.

"Really?"

The blond nodded enthusiastically. Itachi smiled, "I'm going to do something about this once and for all tomorrow, when we're both sober. I'm going to bed, tell Leader to stuff his plan up his arse." With that, Itachi retired to his room for the night.

Deidara made his way to rejoin the group, but was again distracted by the electronic games machine. He was now running out of pound coins trying to beat his own top score on 'XXX Spot The Difference'. "Danna, can I borrow a pound, un?"

"Not for that!" Sasori scowled. Leader waved his arms at Deidara, accidentally clobbering Tobi on the jaw. Pwned.

"Never mind that! What's going on with The Plan?!"

"Stick it up your arse, un!" Deidara shouted back, never taking his eyes off his current game. If he won this one…

Leader was understandably not best pleased at being disrespected in such a casual manner. "WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU?! If you weren't so…"

"AAARGHH, un!! You cock, you made me miss that his nipple was missing!" Deidara had just lost on a round that, if he hadn't lost, he would have made his pound back.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!" Leader boomed.

"And it's time for bed for you, I think!" Sasori saved the day by grabbing his boyfriend by the ponytail. Deidara didn't notice until he felt himself being dragged along backwards. He made a wild lunge for his remaining bottle of absinthe and just managed to reach it, proceeding to down most of it in one go and hug the rest to his chest possessively as he was hauled off by Sasori.

"TIME, gentlemen, please!" shouted the barman, ringing the bell. Everyone finished their drinks and headed off to their rooms. Except Kisame, who was still unconscious under the table. Leader was the last to go up the stairs.

"…running a bloody home for delinquents…asylum…" he muttered darkly.

* * *

Much later that night, even after Kisame had awoken to all the lights blazing and bar staff clearing up around him and gone to bed, around 3:30 a.m. actually…

Leader awoke with a start. For a second he had no idea where he was or what had woken him. Then his vision cleared and he saw the horrifically orange swirls of Tobi's masked face looming about seven millimetres from the end of his nose.

Leader leapt out of bed and screamed in fright. At that point the rest of the Akatsuki burst into the room to 'defend their Leader'. See what was going on, and possibly have a good laugh and get some blackmail material, more like.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" bellowed Leader.

"Rescuing you!" Kisame declared, trying not to laugh.

"What's happened, Leader-sama?" Hidan joined in the pretence.

"DON'T YOU 'LEADER-SAMA' ME! WHY ARE YOU ALL IN HERE? IT'S FOUR IN THE SODDING MORNING!"

"Actually it's 3:47 in the morning," Sasori pointed out, 'helpfully'.

"I DON'T CARE! Tobi, what the bloody hell were you doing staring at me in my sleep?"

"Kisame-san said it was a game…"

"You little grass!" Kisame made a run for it, Hidan hot on his heels.

"Such is life, un," Deidara leaned against the wall and took a swig from the bottle of absinthe he still carried.

It was only then that the rest of the Akatsuki noticed the blond was dressed in nothing but a towel.

"You're lucky he's even wearing that," sighed the fully clothed Sasori at the others' questioning and slightly disturbed looks.

Leader was flabbergasted that they were all still standing around his room so casually, "GET OUT! NOW!!"

The Akatsuki sauntered away, except for Tobi. He remained standing in the middle of the room, looking at Leader.

"TOBI! GO AWAY!"

Tobi squeaked in fright and hurried back through the connecting door that led to his and Zetsu's room.

After barricading the connecting door with the wardrobe, TV stand, and tea-and-coffee-making-facilities, Leader went back to bed, grumbling, "Mad, they're all mad…turn me grey…"

* * *

The author would like to point out the following:

Descartes – famous philosopher.

Chelsea Flower Show. Prestigious annual flower show, held in the Chelsea area of London. Pretty self-explanatory really.

XXX Spot the Difference. Comes in many guises and under many names, but basically a game on one of those electronic games machines one finds in pubs these days. It's Spot the Difference, but the pictures are glamour shots of men or women. The higher the round, the shorter the time allowed to find the five or so differences, and sums of money can be won by getting to certain rounds. It is fiendishly difficult, addictive and frustrating.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: **This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?

**Chapter 12**

Next morning, it was nearly time for the Akatsuki to leave, so they were all rushing about getting dressed and packing. Well, most of them.

In the Big Pyjama suite…

Hidan was sitting on his suitcase trying to close it, shouting miscellaneous swear words and abuse at Kakuzu because he had filled Hidan's case with all his things too in order to make more room for contraband in his own.

Kakuzu was running about the room making sure he hadn't forgotten anything. Miniature shampoos, conditioners, bubble baths, soaps, sewing kit, all there. Bathrobes, slippers, shower caps, towels, picture off the wall, TV and stand, bedclothes, pillows, curtains, rug…

He headed off to steal from everyone else's room.

In Peter Rabbit's Burrow…

Tobi was packing Zetsu's case. "Who's this, Zetsu-san?" He held up a photograph of a pretty woman in a beret, with what looked suspiciously like Notre Dame Cathedral in the background.

"Give me that!" Zetsu snatched it away.

In the Benjamin Bunny Suite…

Leader was neatly packing his suitcase whilst enjoying a civilised room-service breakfast of croissants and coffee. He relished this quiet time before he had to meet the rest of the Akatsuki and chaos inevitably reigned again. Or he would relish it if he wasn't hearing those banging noises. They seemed to be coming from both Sasori and Deidara's room and Zetsu and Tobi's next door. So there were several reasons why Leader didn't particularly want to think what they might be.

In the Sleepover Suite…

Itachi was still in bed, wearing sunglasses and groaning under the weight of his epic hangover. Astonishingly, Kisame was up and about bright and early, and was now in the bathroom getting ready, helping Itachi's hangover along by merrily singing very loudly and out of tune.

"I'm a shark! I'm a Shaaark! _Suck my dick!_ I'M A SHAAAARK!! Itachi! ITACHI! Where's all the soap gone?"

"Kakuzu came by earlier, now SHUT UP! I'M DYING!!"

"GET IT BACK OFF HIM! I WANT A SHOWER!"

Grumbling, Itachi staggered out of bed and down to Kakuzu and Hidan's room, still wearing just his stripy pyjama bottoms and sunnies.

At his knock, the door opened a crack and Kakuzu's face appeared in the gap. "What do you want?" he asked suspiciously.

"Kisame is demanding his little hotel soaps back off you. Apparently he wants to use them."

"Use them? _Use them?!_ You don't actually _use_ the free mini toiletries!"

"Kakuzu, I don't care. Just give me a bar of soap, _any soap."_

The masked nin vanished inside the room. There were some scuffling and muttering noises, punctuated by Hidan's outraged curses, before Kakuzu's hand reappeared to throw a bar of soap into Itachi's face. The Uchiha dodged, and picking it up off the floor, made his way back to his room. He opened the door to the en-suite and tossed the soap in a direction that may have been where Kisame was, before getting back into bed.

Several minutes later…

"ITACHI! ITACHI! GET LEADER! SOME FUCKER'S PUT FUCKING PINS IN THE SOAP!"

Itachi ran into the bathroom to see Kisame holding out his heavily bleeding hands.

"I'M FUCKING BLEEDING! GET LEADER!"

"Shall I get an ambulance?!"

"NO DON'T GET A FUCKING AMBULANCE, JUST GET LEADER! I'M FUCKING BLEEDING! PINS! IN THE SOAP!"

Sighing, Itachi made his panicking partner sit down on the edge of the bath. Carefully he began cleaning and dressing the wounds on Kisame's hands. Kisame gradually calmed down. Finishing up bandaging his partner's hands, Itachi glanced up at him. The shark-man looked forlorn.

"Aw, does Kisame need a hug?" Itachi teased, quite unlike himself. Kisame huffed. Then sheepishly nodded. Itachi tried not to squeal, instead wrapping his arms around the bigger Akatsuki in the most manly, non-gay way he could muster. He very nearly did squeal when Kisame returned the hug.

Sitting holding his small partner felt really good, Kisame thought. Before either of them knew it, a good ten minutes had passed. Suddenly realising they had been hugging for quite a while, Kisame reluctantly broke it, but looking down at Itachi all those confusing feelings he had been having tripled and he couldn't help himself. Leaning down, he tentatively kissed the Uchiha.

Itachi responded after a moment of confusion. The kiss was short and sweet, and when it was over both men looked away awkwardly. Itachi was the first to speak,

"Er, Kisame…"

"Itachi," the swordsman abruptly interrupted, "What would you do if I said I, er… sort of… like… you?"

Itachi smiled. It looked very odd on him, a bit like if Pakkun, for some reason, was wearing an Elizabethan ruff. "I like you too."

"So what do we do now?" Kisame sighed, after a pause.

"How about if we start seeing each other, just take it easy? Maybe keep it a bit quiet at first?" Wow. Itachi had probably more emotional maturity than the rest of Akatsuki put together (except for Zetsu-the-relationship-guru).

* * *

When the packing was almost finished, the Akatsuki met in the restaurant for breakfast. Sasori and Deidara were last to arrive. Again.

"What the fuck is up with your face? Not get any last night?" Hidan leered as a disgruntled Sasori took his seat at the table. Deidara, glancing round the room nervously and with an iron grip on Sasori's arm, sat next to him. Very nearly on him.

"It was going great guns until Toulouse Lautrec over there," he nodded at Deidara, "got an early morning visit from the Green Fairy and turned our room into a post-surrealist vision based on the theme of Tobi's mask," the redhead scowled. Hidan and Sasori both turned to the blond when they heard him give tiny squeak of fear.

"What's up with you?" Leader asked.

"There's fucking ninjas following me!" Deidara whispered frantically. Everyone at the table turned to give him a look of disbelief.

"…yes, that's because we _are _ninjas," Leader explained slowly. Deidara gave each of them a frightened glance before looking straight at Sasori, screaming, and running away.

"We'll see you all on the bus…" Sasori sighed, following his partner, muttering something about being horny.

"Well let that be a lesson to you, Tobi. Be a good boy and stay out of the art scene, or you'll end up like Deidara," Leader commented, sagely. Zetsu patted Tobi on the head. Then Leader narrowed his eyes at Kisame, "You're unusually quiet this morning," he commented, suspiciously. Itachi turned in his seat to face Kisame, curious over how the ex-Mist nin would answer.

"Um…yeah…" he replied. Itachi turned away, seemingly pleased that his partner was not going to put his foot in it.

"I see…" Kisame squirmed under Leader's gaze, until a knowing look passed between Itachi and Leader. The ex-Rain ninja nodded, apparently pleased.

Leader cleared his throat, gaining the attention of his minions, "Well lads, I just want to say that this year's holiday has been one of the best yet," he began.

"Oh, fucking hell! Why the fuck aren't fucking Sasori and Deidara fucking here?! If I have to sit through one of your bastard speeches they bloody well do too!" Hidan exclaimed in despair. Leader raised an eyebrow at the immortal,

"I've had an enjoyable holiday, Hidan, and I'm not going to spoil it now by ripping your head off and eating your throat, understand?" He smiled. Hidan crossed his arms and glared at the tablecloth.

"As I was saying; this has been one of the best years yet, and we've all had a great time," at this point he winked very obviously at Itachi. Then gave him the thumbs up. A double thumbs up. Itachi smacked his forehead down on the table. Under the table, he was holding hands with Kisame. "But when we get home, it's back to business as usual," he looked thoughtful for a moment, "except for Deidara, he won't be operational for a week at best. So I want 110 from all of you and there will be some spot prizes and incentives for the best performing team, year on year. Now, you've got half an hour to get your stuff together and be on the bus, or we will leave without you."

* * *

Fifteen minutes later….

Most of the Akatsuki headed through reception on their way to the minibus, Tobi once again struggling along behind with everyone else's bags. They had almost reached the door when…

"Excuse me! Mr Leader! Could we have a word?" The receptionist was waving at him. Beside her stood a man in a suit.

The collective thought went something along the lines of _'Aw shit, what now?'_

Sighing, Leader went over, and with nothing better to do his 'minions' followed. "Yes? Quick now, I am a very busy man, you know."

"Sorry, sir. This is the fire officer. They have discovered the cause of the explosion in your room." She turned to the suited man.

"Ah, yes. It appears the explosion was caused by a combination of a large pot of hair product and misuse of a Corby trouser press."

Leader just looked at him. "Er, well, thank you. Now I must be off!" he declared, remembering himself. With that, he whirled around and strode off towards the minibus.

"Misuse of a Corby trouser press?" Zetsu questioned. Leader ignored him, and decided never to mention that during the course of one evening he had pressed his Akatsuki uniform and coat, underwear, towel, pyjamas, the already perfectly pressed hotel dressing gown and his coat again. He had tried to press the hotel slippers too, to see what happened. Evidently the humble trouser press just wasn't designed for such things.

* * *

Half an hour later…

Everyone except Sasori and Deidara were sitting on the bus getting more and more pissed off by the second. It was that weird part of a holiday where all of the fun stuff is over and you just want to get home and have a snooze.

"It's fucking ridiculous! If it was any fucker else we would have left without them, but we couldn't _possibly _leave without _Deidara_! Wanker…fucking does it on purpose to piss me off…" Hidan ranted. Leader had made him sit in the cab with him and Kakuzu as punishment for being a dickhead.

"Ah, here they come!" Leader informed the others merrily. Indeed, Sasori and Deidara were on their way to the bus. They were running, in fact. At top speed. Being chased by hotel porters. They raced on to the bus,

"DRIVE! NOW!" Sasori shouted as he picked up his out-of-it boyfriend and threw him on to the bus. Kakuzu didn't need to be told a second time and slammed the bus into reverse before turning and speeding out of the car park. Sasori was hanging out of the still-open door, "SO LONG, FUCKERS!" He shouted, while giving the finger to the group of porters that had been chasing them. Kakuzu slowed to an acceptable speed once he was on the road, and Sasori was able to shut the door before Tobi rolled out on to the road. Leader turned round in his seat,

"Well, as exciting as that was, what did you do?" He asked. Sasori sat down in one of the seats that Itachi and Kisame had reserved for them at the back, pulling Deidara into his lap. The redhead grinned,

"We skipped out on the room service and cleaning bill. Apparently the whole room needs to be redecorated and partially rebuilt after Deidara turned it into 'art'."

Kakuzu nodded in approval at Sasori's actions,

"Good man." The air of excitement soon turned to one of a comfortable silence, as everyone remembered just how tiring going on holiday was.

* * *

Once back at the base, the Akatsuki crashed out in the living room and prepared themselves for an afternoon of crappy movies and unhealthy snacks. Their wounds had been dressed (from the journey home when Kakuzu had blindly followed the sat nav and driven into a boating lake) and now it was time to chill out at home before they all had to be back at work the next day.

Konan had had a wonderful holiday. She had booked in to a women only spa resort in the south of Fire Country, and was now completely relaxed and renewed. She had also met some really nice people and was going to stay in touch with them, especially those nice girls from Konoha. It had become tradition for Konan to go on holiday separately from "the boys" after what was henceforth referred to as "The Mambo Incident".

"I'M BACK! Did you guys have a good time?" She asked as she entered the living room. Leader looked up from his copy of Razzle,

"Surprisingly, yes. There were a few minor incidents – Sasori and Deidara broke up and got back together; my room exploded; Itachi and Kisame had an epiphany – the usual kind of thing," he replied. Konan was visibly shocked,

"You mean you didn't kill anyone and/or get thrown out of the hotel?!"

"Nope! We were all good boys!" Tobi offered. Hidan hit him over the head. There was no way that he was a 'good boy'!

"Well I have to admit that I am impressed," she said, sitting down in a free chair. Leader finished reading Razzle and passed the top-shelf magazine to Hidan. The immortal opened it straight at the centrefold, whistling in approval,

"Fucking hell! Look at the cherry bakewells on that!" He showed the picture to those sitting nearest to him, one of whom happened to be Tobi. The masked ninja stared in shock for a few moments before keeling over. He had just been pwned by breasts. While Kisame and Deidara started an emphatic debate over whether that counted as 'During Our Holiday', Sasori looked over at the picture to see what all the fuss was about,

"Whoa, she could breast feed a crèche!" The ex-Suna nin commented, pissing off his boyfriend,

"Don't look at them, Sasori no Danna! Besides, they aren't real," Deidara folded his arms. Hidan looked at him blankly,

"And?"

Deidara ignored him, still turned away from Sasori.

"I didn't mean that I liked them, Dei. You just have to admit that they are very…large. Anyway, you know I don't like women's…parts… They are nothing more than," he held his hands in front of him, as if holding a pair of large breasts, "big sacks of fat to me," he explained.

"Fine," Deidara allowed his boyfriend to kiss him. Sasori then whispered something that made the blond blush and giggle, before taking his hand and leading him off to their bedroom for some fun. Sasori returned a few minutes later, heading through to the kitchen then back to his room, passing through the living room carrying squirty cream, chocolate flavoured custard, and a punnet of strawberries.

"Is Sasori-san making a trifle with Deidara-sempai?" Tobi asked once the redhead was on his way back to his room.

"Yeah, something like that…" Kisame answered, under careful watch from Itachi. Konan smiled fondly,

"You know, going away on holiday is all well and good, but it sure doesn't beat coming home."

THE END

The author would like to point out the following:

Toulouse Lautrec – 19th Century Parisian artist.

Green Fairy – a hallucination of the fairy on the absinthe bottle, said to occur after most of the bottle has been consumed.

Razzle – this is probably obvious from the context, but think Playboy magazine, only slightly less classy and more '80s.

Finally, the author does not own and has never owned even _one pair_ of GHD hair straighteners. Goddammit!

This may be the end, but more in the Akatsuki Go: series coming soon! Also one or two new fics for your delectation, and don't worry, I haven't forgotten Make Me Bleed! It's just being frustrating at the moment, but hopefully there will be a new chapter soon.


End file.
